Let's move to the home of black pudding and a not-world-famous market! This week: Bury

What’s it about?

Sir Robert Peel’s legacy consists not only of founding the much-loved Metropolitan Police, but also the continuing excellence of his hometown, Bury. What other town has both a market and a limited range of high street shops? None, you’ll find.

Bury’s unique charm and pizzazz was highlighted by none other than Rishi Sunak. Despite Bury Market’s ‘world famous’ status being verified by absolutely nobody, Rishi gushed over ‘world-famous Burnley Market’, confusing it with Burnley. Actual shoppers in Bury have been less enthusiastic, complaining about too much black pudding and ‘OAP clothes’.

Any good points?

Black pudding. Bury is very proud of its black pudding-making, and may even have invented the British version. Going on and on about one basic foodstuff never looks desperate.

Settle down in Bury and you’ll discover it’s the town everyone’s talking about, at least for three days a year when some f**k-up makes it half a story on Facebook. There was, for example, the new RSPCA charity shop that opened to the joy of millions. Their slogan? ‘Helping Bury Animals.’

Or when Bury South MP Christian Wakeford hit the headlines briefly when he decided to leave the Tories to join Labour, purely to avoid being dragged down by ‘partygate’. Quickly forgotten, but Keir Starmer looked pleased to have another bland careerist MP onboard, so that was nice.

Wonderful landscape?

Bury has everything you could ever want, a 20 to 30-minute drive away. It really is a great selling point: it’s pretty close but not that close to places that you’d actually want to go to. Whether a trip to the city of Manchester or a pretty northern village, any option that isn’t Bury is just a medium-length car journey away.

Even the town’s prettiest feature, a stop on a heritage railway line, is designed to take you in style to a place that isn’t Bury.

However, this equidistance from the city of Manchester and the countryside makes Bury a ticking time bomb for gentrification. Experts have spotted worrying early signs, such as actual investment from the council and residents smiling. 

Hang out at…

Swinging by Gigg Lane is a great way to bond with locals. The stadium has stood empty for three years after some financial pissing about by the owners got Bury FC expelled from the league, so feel part of the community by standing outside those locked doors and tutting and sighing together.

Or take your life in your hands with a trip to the big Wetherspoons that turns into a club on weekends. With a dancefloor rammed with pissed underage teenagers, and a selection of perverts sat around said dancefloor suspiciously eyeing said teenagers, it’s got that perfect blend of unpleasantness and illegality for anyone who hates being relaxed. 

And we cannot state often enough, there’s always a trip to the world-famous Burnley Market.

Where to buy?

As with great cities like Edinburgh or Prague, you will have to make a choice between Old or New Town. Or rather, Old or New shopping centre.

Align yourself with The Rock and you’re at the cutting edge of 2010. You really do live in a time where a cinema, bowling alley and all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet sit under one roof. Pinch yourself, you’re not dreaming.

Or if you fancy yourself a more cultured flaneur of the past, live in the shadow of the Mill Gate shopping centre, which dates back in history to 1992. Step into the days of yore by marvelling at where the BHS sign used to hang, or where the Shoezone inexplicably somehow still operates.

From the streets

Lauren Hewitt, aged 22, said: “I only really visit Bury when I’m going to my Nan’s house. It’s warm and friendly, just puts me in a good mood, you know? There’s tons of good food to eat, and I’m always sad when I have to leave. My Nan’s house that is, not Bury. Bury’s a shithole.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Cats are one of the few creatures that always land on their feet, even after being convicted of indecency in a public place.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

For selfless stewards of the countryside, farmers sure keep the environs of their houses like a fucking shit-tip.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

The world record for clowns in a car is 23. The world record for cars in a clown is sealed by the coroner.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You still harbour a sneaking suspicion that you’re inexplicably big in Japan.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Every cloud has a secret inner lining where it keeps a handgun, just in case skydivers get too close.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

It’s a thankless job being a bouncer. No one ever comes back and says ‘Good call not letting me in last night. I was far too hammered. And fair enough, that shirt was casual.’

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s hip to be square? Shame your body is an irregular octahedron then, for that and other reasons.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Imagine if you had tickets for Elton John and it got cancelled. You don’t have to go out and you’re getting 600 quid. It’d be the greatest night of your life.

Sagittarius, November 23nd–December 21st

You’ve decided your daughter is the right age for her first smartphone. Granted she’s only four but she keeps bugging you when you’re on yours.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

A dog is for life. A Staffordshire bull terrier is for life without parole.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

The fact that the phrase ‘Brazilian bum-lift’ only ever appears after the word ‘botched’ is surely telling.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

And finally tonight’s closing drug prices: cocaine up six per cent after an end-of-market rally, heroin continuing to fall as Taliban releases reserves, cannabis hits its cap.