Mash Blind Date: Can married man Julian justify an affair with Hannah, and is she particularly interested?

HANNAH, aged 27, swiped right on 38-year-old Julian even though his holiday photos were very suspiciously cropped. But is he willing to take the plunge into infidelity? 

Julian on Hannah 

First impression?

Gorgeous. Carefree. Trusting. Has no idea the man she’s dating is married with two children and wrestling with his own conscience, wondering if he dare dream of freedom from his staid, stale marriage. Wondering if he dare not.

How was the conversation?

A little direct and aggressive for my tastes. I dealt out practiced evasions, like ‘I’m not emotionally committed,’ and ‘Marriage is only on paper’ and she kept coming at me with more questions. Doesn’t she know how hard this is without her treating me like a suspect?

Memorable moments?

When I really opened up to her about how a relationship I was in recently had broken down and I hadn’t had sex in months, and she acted like that was the reason I was there. ‘You wound me,’ I managed to choke out.

Favourite thing about Hannah?

Her arse did bob about nicely as she stormed out of the restaurant. And it’s impressive I met someone with even greater moral integrity than me.

A capsule description?

Little Miss Detective has been watching too many episodes of Cheaters.

Was there a spark?

There was certainly passion. If we met again, perhaps so I could apologise for deceiving her, we could try to retrieve it.

What happened afterwards?

I texted her, saying not to tell anyone and I thought she was wonderfully empathic and I really need a friend right now.

What would you change about the evening?

I would make her more credulous. And sluttier.

Will you see each other again?

I hope so, but only on Wednesdays between 3.30pm and 7pm, depending on my wife’s tennis club schedule.

Hannah on Julian

First impression?

Handsome, tall, bit of a twat’s beard, nice blue eyes. Hiding his left hand. Answering questions with sighs of suffering. Hiding something. Which is probably being married.

How was conversation?

A rambling monologue about a hypothetical married man who is justified in seeking affairs because ‘what is marriage anyway?’ and ‘commitment doesn’t mean cutting off all your feelings’ and ‘Toby is struggling with his maths’. I snapped and ask if he was married and he asked if that would be a problem. I said it would and he replied that he definitely isn’t.

Memorable moments?

When his phone rang and he answered with ‘Yes, darling. I’m at Mike’s like I said I would be’. When he admitted he was married but hadn’t had sex in months, like that was anyone’s problem but his. And very shortly after that, when I fucked off.

Favourite thing about Greg?

How bad he is at lying, which saved us both a lot of time.

A capsule description?

Creepy married dude hoping for a shag while feigning a tortured conscience.

Was there a spark?

I’d prefer spontaneous human combustion, but realise that’s less likely.

What happened afterwards?

I found his wife on LinkedIn and forwarded her a screenshot of his Tinder profile. Also, it turns out his name’s actually Greg.

What would you change about the evening?

My chilli-maple wings would not have arrived during my big storm-out moment. I wanted those wings.

Will you see each other again?

I’m powerfully confident that if I came back here at 7.45pm next week, he’d be trying the same shit again with another girl.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Some people call me the Space Cowboy, some people call me the Gangster of Love, most people call me a twat because I’m known by those first two names and they’ve got a point.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

I baked a file into a cake to help my mate escape from prison. Unfortunately it was a file containing evidence of his further crimes.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Liz Truss’s book isn’t out until spring? Only Theresa May’s book is out now? And how am I meant to explain that to my weeping eight-year-old on Christmas Day?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

That bloke who comes to the pub alone, drinks alone and puts £40 into the fruit machine over three hours, before leaving having not spoken to anyone? He knows how to live.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Daddy needs a little sugar. So if you could pass the bowl before my tea goes cold, thank you Portia, you’re a sweetheart.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

A picture is worth a thousand words, especially a picture of a cock drawn on a bus shelter.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

“Fucking Richard Osman. Fucking thinks he’s so much fucking better than me,” Jesus mutters.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

I bought an olive tree but when I got it home it was more of a light brown. And it had these little berries on that tasted like shit.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Fern gasped. For in the web in the high corner of the barn, above where Wilbur sat beaming, two words glistened unmistakably in the morning dew. ‘FUCK OFF’, they read.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

There is a school of philosophy that believes the ‘lollipop’ 50 Cent refers to so frequently in the song Candy Shop is actually his cock.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

This Hollywood strike’s going on a bit. Can’t they just agree to pay them loads more without it costing us anything?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

What even is a class C drug? They’re just there to make weed look worse than it is.