Mash Blind Date: 'I hoped he'd bring the dog from his Bumble profile. It's all I'm interested in'

NAIL artist Kelly Howard, aged 29, only swiped right on Jack Browne, aged 32, because of his adorable King Charles spaniel. Can she endure a whole date without seeing it?

Kelly on Jack

First impression?

Jack almost looked exactly like he did on his Bumble profile. Except he wasn’t holding a lead with that heart-meltingly gorgeous dog on the end of it, even though I hinted pretty strongly I’d be angry if he didn’t. So that was already a blatant catfish.

How was conversation?

He asked all the standard first date questions: where do you work, got any siblings, what do you do for fun, the usual shit. I responded by asking how old Charlie was, did he like to be tickled, can he raise one paw, etcetera. It’s important to be upfront about what you want from a relationship.

Memorable moments?

A man walked past the restaurant window with a bearded dachshund in tow, its little tail wagging away like a clock. I gazed at it dreamily, picturing myself in his place.

Favourite thing about Jack?

He owns Charlie. Jack is a dog owner. Charlie technically belongs to Jack and if we got married I would own Charlie. The dog. I want the dog. Give me the dog.

A capsule description?

Dog-owning man unfairly deprives canine-starved woman.

Was there a spark?

I got a jolt of happiness when I saw pictures of Charlie on his phone I’d never seen before. Admittedly I had to swipe past the picture of some niece or whatever, but it was worth the effort. I got through half a dozen before he wrestled it off me.

What happened afterwards?

I invited myself round to his for a night of unforgettable passion where he could do anything he wanted to me. I qualified it with ‘if Charlie’s there.’ He declined.

What would you change about the evening?

Jack could have dropped the dog off and gone home. Charlie and I could have gone on a lovely walk through a park, and I’d have thrown sticks for him and petted him and told him what a good boy he was. Not that I want to date a dog. That would be weird.

Will you see each other again?

When I got home I saw that Jack had unmatched me, so probably not. I can’t blame him. He’s got Charlie. Why would he need anything else?

Jack on Kelly

First impression?

It would seem she wasn’t joking about bringing the dog, even though this is a reasonably expensive restaurant. She told the waitress she was only dating me because of my dog. I had to show the waitress pictures of my dog. We hadn’t even ordered drinks.

How was the conversation?

Dog-centric. I could have told her I was the billionaire who invented the Covid vaccine and I spend weekends at my beach house on the Sea of Tranquility and she wouldn’t have given a fuck, because they have nothing to do with my dog.

Memorable moments?

The toilet paper in the restaurant bathroom was triple-ply. Don’t see that very often. I had a nice chat to the attendant about ska. I don’t know much about ska, but it was a blessed reprieve from fucking questions about my fucking dog.

Favourite thing about Kelly?

She offered to split the bill, which I happily took her up on because she wasted my evening badgering me about a pet I am slowly growing to resent.

A capsule description?

Kelly has no interest in me as a person and only dated me to take away what makes me happy. So a pretty normal first date as a man, really.

Was there a spark?

I’ve never had a less romantic evening in my life. And I play five-a-side with fat blokes every Thursday.

What happened afterwards?

Kelly flung herself at me and I fobbed her off with some bullshit about needing to get up early for work. I expect she went home via the greyhound racing track to get her dog fix.

What would you change about the evening?


Will you see each other again?

I am in the process of taking out a restraining order against Kelly on behalf of my dog. So I’d say it’s unlikely.

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