IN five days, Liz Truss will become prime minister even though the country has no idea who she is. They’re meeting for the first time over tapas:
Britain on Liz
First impression?
Oh, it’s Pork Markets. I didn’t realise that was Liz Truss. So she’s going to be prime minister? The cheese woman?
How was conversation?
There wasn’t a lot of back-and-forth. She doesn’t seem to think that’s how conversation works. I’d say something, like ‘Who would have thought Arsenal would be top after four games, eh?’ and she’d reply ‘What I’m talking about is enabling people to keep more money in their own pockets’, smile primly then fall silent.
Memorable moments?
I said ‘mind you I wonder how this place will pay its bills over winter’ and her head started swivelling uncontrollably and her hands started clutching for something that wasn’t there. ‘Because of the gas bills,’ I explained, and she started emitting these little involuntary whimpers.
Favourite thing about Liz?
She’s from Leeds and I’ve got mates up there, so we were talking about it but she’s never been to Majestyk or Back to Basics, and seems to believe Roundhay’s a rough area? Seriously? Roundhay’s posh as fuck.
A capsule description?
She was there but she wasn’t there, you know? Like one of those Abba holograms. Like if I’d ducked down she’d be hovering an inch above her chair.
Was there a spark?
I asked why she hadn’t done more interviews and events to meet the people of the country she’s going to be leading and she shuddered until her fork rattled against her plate. I had to take that personally.
What happened afterwards?
The bill arrived and she was already gone. I get the feeling I’m going to have to get used to that.
What would you change about the evening?
Ideally I’d have made some kind of human connection with the person who’s going to decide whether I get to keep my job, house and life.
Will you see each other again?
Yes. This isn’t a blind date. It’s Married at fucking First Sight.
Liz on Britain
First impression?
Let me say very clearly that I love Britain, I am proud of Britain, and I will not stand by while others do Britain down. But not all of Britain.
How was conversation?
Every point on my prepared brief was covered, repeatedly. The long silences only proved his satisfaction with my answers.
Memorable moments?
N/A.
Favourite thing about the British public?
That they are inspired to aspire by my example, and have given me a full and comprehensive mandate to take any action, lawful or unlawful, to restore our great country’s pride.
A capsule description?
Nondescript. Yet yearning for change.
Was there a spark?
I’m not answering any questions about energy until September 5th.
What happened afterwards?
The bill arrived, which was an underhand gotcha moment by the liberal media, so I arranged to be no longer present.
What would you change about the evening?
I would have a pressing engagement at another location.
Will you see each other again?
From afar. Nothing closer than 100 yards would be appropriate.
