Mash Blind Date: Piers Morgan and the Meghan Markle he met and considered a friend, not the lying bitch she's become

IN 2016, Piers Morgan met Meghan Markle in the Scarsdale Tavern and they became friends. Then she changed. Can he rewrite history to make a better world? 

Piers on Meghan

First impression

Ravishing, looks even better than on Suits. A classic beauty. The way she hadn’t yet downplayed our one fleeting interaction really endeared her to me.

How was the conversation?

I was on top form telling all my best anecdotes: the one about Kate Moss making me look a dick, the one about being fired from the Mirror, the one about being friends with Donald Trump. I kept cutting her off whenever she tried to get a word in because she can’t outshine those. Women don’t mind. Susannah Reid couldn’t get enough of it.

Memorable moments?

I kept peppering the conversation with subtle digs at Prince Harry, which she’ll remember and go out with me instead. I might not have a castle but at least my uncle’s not a nonce.

Favourite thing about Meghan?

She’s a strong and assertive woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind, which reminded me of me. I can’t see how anyone could ever find those characteristics repellent. I’m a charmer.

A capsule description?

A handsome television star dazzled his future wife with hours of witty repartee. No kissing.

Was there a spark?

I saw the spark flare in the depths of her warm brown eyes and she’s lying if she denies it afterwards. Or never, ever talks about this meeting again.

What happened afterwards?

Because I’m a gentleman, I paid the bill then took a cab home alone. Then sent Meghan a text at 2am which read ‘u up?’ Then had a sad wank.

What would you change about the evening?

Meghan would have reciprocated my burning lust for her, which is already starting to curdle into a loathing that will become the ruination of my career.

Will you see each other again?

I’m going to obsessively stalk her through my various media jobs and dedicate my life to her destruction. It’s what she deserves.

Meghan on Piers

First impression

I was confronted with a pasty-faced, dishevelled pigman in a suit who I was told I was dating. As an actress, I was able to hide my emotions at this.

How was the conversation?

He appears to believe he’s famous, and that his opinions are therefore notable. We covered how most accusations of racism are false and that vegan sausage rolls shouldn’t even be called sausage rolls. When I frowned in disagreement he stormed off to the toilet for a rage shit.

Memorable moments?

He kept bringing up Prince Harry, who I’ve always had a soft spot for, so I decided to answer that text and go to the party he’s meant to be at later. And to think, I might never have done that if not for Piers.

Favourite thing about Piers?

One day, like all living things, he too will die. I respect that.

A capsule description?

Woman endures an evening of terrible conversation with man with visible boner. No kisses, no matter how many times he leaned in waiting.

Was there a spark?

Only in his warped, self-obsessed mind. I’d rather go on a second date with the chair I was sitting on. It had solid lumbar support.

What happened afterwards?

I met Prince Harry. We instantly hit it off for a night of whirlwind romance, contempt for Piers Morgan, and fantastic sex.

What would you change about the evening?

The date was atrocious but meeting Prince Harry and coming twelve times was good. So on balance, nothing. Which I know Piers will take as a tragic win.

Will you see each other again?

No. I don’t watch ITV or read your tabloid newspapers. Outside those he doesn’t exist.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

The whole Boris Johnson thing has settled a bet: turns out a lying sack of shit is worse than lying in a sack of shit.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Snooker should adopt a videogame-style scoring system to attract new fans. Red balls are worth 100 points, yellow 200 and so on. Three pots in a row activates a multiplier. Incurring a foul unleashes a wave of fire the likes of which the world has never seen.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

If the work the Devil finds for idle hands is wanking, that’s still better than being a fry cook for KFC.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Running a marathon isn’t the only acceptable way to do a shit in the gutter but it’s the only way to get a medal afterwards.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You’ve told your loved ones if it comes to being sent to a nursing home, you’d rather die with dignity. Unfortunately care assistant is the only job available for a 24-year-old with no qualifications so you’re going regardless.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Denial is not a river in Egypt. He’s the blonde twat from One Direction.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

The following limited-edition Funko Pops are released this week: Threads Bandaged Traffic Warden, Trainspotting Cold Turkey Ceiling Baby, Mr Casey your Maths Teacher from Secondary School Platinum Ghost Edition, and Lord Lebedev of Siberia.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

People say nobody wants to know how the sausage is made but for me, a Lincolnshire-based public health inspector, it is an essential part of the job.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’ve never seen long-running West End murder whodunnit The Mousetrap, but you know who did it. Agatha Christie. It’s on the poster.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Bands don’t travel in wagons anymore. If you want to jump on a trend you’ll have to sneak onto a tour bus guarded by a beefy Serbian security guard called Vic.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

A pet shop might sound like a good idea but shops live for a really long time.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Everyone laughs at racehorses’ names but you try and think of a non-stupid name for a horse. What are you going to call it? John Davies?