Mash Blind Date: your two gay mates who would totally love each other so should go out

STRAIGHT woman Lottie has two gay friends, who by virtue of sharing a sexuality and her friendship are obviously destined to be a couple. Aren’t they? 

Nick on Angus

First impression?

Bald, short, extremely hairy. Like an Ewok that got into bodybuilding and ‘roids. Hands that would be more comfortable tearing a phonebook in half than caressing tenderly. The complete antithesis of my type.

How was conversation? 

I don’t fuck about so I told him. He agreed rather too enthusiastically. Then we moved onto the subject of Lottie, who made us go on this date, and her various shortcomings.

Memorable moments?

He was extremely funny on the Token Straight Friend and what a total pain in the arse they are. The recounting of Lottie’s hen do was nightmarish. He’d had so many white girls cry on his shoulder he had to have a Dries van Noten cardigan professionally cleaned.

Favourite thing about Angus? 

His contacts book. That little circus strongman knows literally everyone and he is willing to make calls. I set up three dates.

A capsule description? 

Not for me, but good company and a possible ideal suitor if you like the lad with the axe from the Ringo Middle Earth films.

Was there a spark? 

No. Though we enjoyed putting Lottie on the bonfire.

What happened afterwards? 

We went our separate ways. I gave the restaurant three stars on TripAdvisor. He was already on Grindr.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would not go on a date organised by a straight out of politeness. They literally know nothing.

Will you see each other again?  

At Lottie’s next party, where we will take the piss mercilessly.

Angus on Nick

First impression?

Tall, slim, effete, 20 years older than me, looks like there’s not a fuck in him.

How was conversation?

Direct. He beat me to the punch of declaring I wasn’t his type. I didn’t bother saying ‘same’. Then we moved on to the main conversation of the evening: what a clueless patronising cow Lottie is.

Memorable moments?

He did a bloody brilliant impression of Lottie as a shit-thick zookeeper encouraging a couple of male pandas to mate by playing them Kylie and Cher. Really nailed her egotistic idiocy. It’s good he’s got humour, what with his looks.

Favourite thing about Nick? 

Didn’t waste my time. He knows about art and stuff if you’re interested in that kind of thing. I’m not but set him up with a couple of mates who aren’t so blessed.

A capsule description? 

I wasn’t interested. That’s my description.

Was there a spark? 

I’d address this to Lottie: just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m not picky. Have I ever had a boyfriend anything like Nick? No. Why do you think that is? Have a proper think.

What happened afterwards? 

He was on about the food. I was after salvaging the night. We went in opposite directions.

What would you change about the evening? 

Wouldn’t have bothered.

Will you see each other again?  

At Lottie’s next do. We’ll rip the shit out of her. Looking forward to it.

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Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Remember Paul the psychic octopus? He was executed after predicting the time of Terry Wogan’s death to the minute.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

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Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

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Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

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Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

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Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

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Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

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Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

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Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

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Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

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Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

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