THE STAR of Netflix blockbuster The Grey Man is a heartthrob for millions. He tells us about the sexual positions he’d love to try but hasn’t got round to:
I’ve heard so much about this one. And while I’m Ken in the upcoming Barbie movie, I’m not all smooth down there. I have a cock, balls and the requisite pubic growth. Though mine are Hollywood genitals and incredible to look at. Like beautiful, undiscovered rainforest far up the Amazon river.
That said, I can’t really explain why I’ve never tried missionary. I was plucked from school aged 12 to be in The Mickey Mouse Club and they weren’t big on sex education, but Britney and Justin were in the same club and they worked it out. I must make some time to give it a go. I bet it’s great.
Again, I’ve heard fantastic things about it. And after playing Noah in The Notebook, it’s been easy charming ladies into bed, but doggystyle? No. I’m an animal lover so I find it disrespectful, and three years ago I adopted a rescue dog called Lucho and it makes me think about how he has sex. Not tenderly, like Ryan Gosling might do it, in a lake in the rain with a wet shirt clinging to his abs. But roughly, from behind, like a Doberman. Because he’s a Doberman.
Okay, now I know this one’s not real. What? It is? I thought it was a meme. Well, you try juggle independent passion projects with Hollywood blockbusters and see how much time you have left for Googling ’69’. Truth is I’m too busy. For La La Land I took four hours of jazz piano lessons a day. After that, you aren’t racing home to stimulate a woman’s clitoris with your tongue while she performs fellatio. As Tom Hanks told me, ‘They don’t give Oscars for oral.’
I did have a failed attempt at this once. But when she climbed on top – no names, I’m a gentleman, it was Kat Dennings – out of habit I began to inhabit a character, a heartbroken cowboy called Gideon Sawyer crossing Montana on a cattle drive while trying to forget his wife Alice who he’d lost to scarlet fever. It was an absolute boner killer but the pitch is in development with Dreamworks.
The upside-down cake
Guys. Come on. I’m Canadian.