Outdated monarchical heads-of-state are on borrowed time. I'm prettier than Kate

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, wife of the prime minister: 

I MIGHT be with a Tory, but I’m a radical. He may clap away, but I believe we should replace the monarchy with a vibrant dynamic US-style First Lady. 

We need a head of state, people say. For visiting dignitaries, for high-profile summits, to express the national mood on key occasions. And I say ‘voila’.

The model looks of a classy Melania Trump; the moral courage of a white Michelle Obama. I’ve got both, wrapped up in English rose and being the best PR of my generation.

Look at the G7 summit. My dress was a sensation, it was going incredibly, the US network cameras adored me. Then old Queenie and her living-on-carers’-allowance son turn up and everything grinds to a halt.

‘It’s only because of the Commonwealth that Trudeau spent all night chatting to Charles,’ I told Big Dog. ‘He was desperate to talk to me.’

‘I bet he fucking was,’ he said, pouring himself a Dubonnet and gin. ‘Horndog. You know his dad married a 22-year-old when he was prime minister? Beats even me.’

‘Should we get rid of them? The Royals, I mean. They do confuse the branding. And Kate’s really showing her age.’

‘Mmm,’ he said. ‘They fucked up losing Meghan. Proper box-set hot, though she’s boringly global-compassion-communities. ‘So am I,’ I said. ‘Mm,’ he said.

‘Anyway it’s not that simple,’ he said. ‘British public like them. Not sure you’ve really made the Diana breakthrough yet, afraid to say. It’ll come.’

‘And I am prettier than Kate?’ ‘Much prettier,’ he said. ‘And much less of a bitch. By the way, if she mentions it this weekend, I never slapped Pippa’s arse.’

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The BBC is celebrating 70 years of trying to destroy the Queen. Will they succeed?

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

FOR as long as any of us can remember, the BBC has sworn to destroy everything great and good about this country. So of course they began with the Queen. 

From the day of her coronation they began their assault. The decision to broadcast it to the nation was a deliberate attempt to tear away the public’s natural reverence by exposing the Royals as ‘people’. 

Instead it backfired: the young Elizabeth II looked so marvellously regal, such a divine example of monarchical perfection, that the nation realised that television might be better than radio after all. 

Frustrated, and forced to put off broadcasting outright pornography until the 1970s, the BBC struck again with a 1969 documentary purporting to show the day-to-day life of the Royals. 

It’s been banned ever since at the Queen’s request because it was unimaginable filth. Shown in lurid colour, instead of stately, respectful black-and-white, I am reliably informed that it featured sodomy, blasphemy and unacceptable levels of sexual degradation. 

Three-quarters of the nation watched it. Most are now, not coincidentally, dead. It joins BBC shows like The War Game, Scum, and everything by Dennis Potter on the banned list. It must be truly vile, and no wonder she was ashamed. 

But even that filth had a positive effect. Seeing the Queen in colour, so gamine yet steely even if she was naked and bloodied, persuaded the whole nation to change into colour to follow her example. And eventually Thatcher was elected.

What came next? It’s A Royal Knockout, a humiliation which directly led to the collapse of the marriages of the Princess Royal, Prince Andrew and Prince Charles in that order. Though it did at least cause Edward to realise the gay thing was just a phase. 

And, of course, Martin Bashir’s sewer-dredging 1995 interview with the Princess of Wales, only obtained by his pretence to be the late Mahatma Gandhi. 

This weekend? We’re told the Platinum Party at the Palace is a tribute. Really? When it features Stefflon Don and Diana-apologists Duran Duran? Nonsense. It’s another attempt to kill her. 

One which I don’t doubt that, like Godzilla over Mothra, she will once again triumph. It is the BBC that will die. The Queen? She’ll be going double platinum.