Sex questions you should never ask your regular shag, with the Mash sex columnist

GOOD sex is about asking questions of partners who you’re never going to see again, whose answers you can trust. Not your actual husband, girlfriend or fuckbuddy. 

Yes, you need to know if – for example – women like having their nipples yanked. No, you can’t ever say ‘well I did at first, when I was into you, but I’ve hated it since 2014’ to the man you’ve got a mortgage with.

Which is why you’re better off not asking your actual regular shag a single damn thing, and especially not these:

How many people have you slept with?

Like making a cake with a toddler, like pissing at a bus stop, like a surprise finger up the butt on the final strokes, this will be messy. But at the same time it’s only natural to be nosy and wonder if you’ve entered this long-term relationship as the winner. Problem is they’ll want to know yours too.

Only one of you gets to feel like a fucking hero – ‘Boom, 24 shags for me! Low self-esteem through my 20s and compensating with sex has paid off! Take that, wanker!’ – and the losing partner will be haunted by the imbalance until his dying day. Or he tries to make up the difference with affairs, whichever’s worst.

Do you still fancy me?

They’ll say yes. Come on, they’re not a fucking idiot and it would be sexual suicide not to. The days when rutting came as easily as getting up for a piss at 4am, but maintaining the illusion that one day you’ll shag again is key to staying together. It’ll happen, right?

And so your partner will obviously answer yes, they’re into you, albeit slightly dismissively and a little too quickly, to keep the possibility of a comeback tour alive in both your hearts. Which still isn’t a proper answer. But ask yourself honestly: would you fancy you?

What kind of porn do you watch? 

You don’t want to know. And once you’ve opened the Pandora’s box of sexual honesty, nothing can be put back in. A mistimed joke about arseholes and vacuum cleaner attachments and you’ll never be able to meet Henry’s, or Hetty’s, cartoon eyes again.

If he says some vanilla shit like ‘loving blowjobs’ you’ll never believe him, even though it’s exactly what he’s not getting at home. If she blurts out a confession about group sex you’ll never mention it again but it’ll hang in the air like a ghost.

Best never to ask, then you won’t have to shoulder the weight of the knowledge. Anyway, isn’t the answer always the same: younger, more attractive people than us?

Do you like it when I do this?

No answer works. Say yes and every time you’re reaching toward orgasm she’ll begin tickling your balls. Say no and the sex you’re currently having will end in recrimination and personal abuse before anyone reaches the six-year box.

Perfect relationships between perfect people, like in the Lover’s Guide videos that lied to a generation, would use this question as a springboard to broaching the subject of what you actually would like your partner to do. Never risk being this emotionally open. Keep your mouths shut and guess away.

Shall we spice things up a bit?

You’ll feel like a fucking minx just asking the question. But think of the consequences. The evenings Googling ‘cheap bondage gear’ and waiting in trepidation for the postman. Trying to get the Bluetooth on a remote vibrator to connect to your phone.

If they say ‘fuck no’? That’s a whole other death knell. What hope is there for your Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition fantasy now? Keep your mouth shut and let actions speak instead of words. Turn over and go to sleep.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st – April 19th

Don’t worry if you didn’t get the A-levels you wanted. The world needs coke dealers.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

How do you think the original cheese fondue guys felt when they came out with chocolate fondue? Like fucking mugs.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Why does your spam email think you have erectile dysfunction but also need notification of up to three MILF fuckbuddys in your area per day? Surely it’s one or the other.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Ultimately, regarding everything young people say, like and think is a load of bullshit is just way easier. It’s a cost-benefit decision.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Jeff Bezos forces his employees to watch videos of him doing incredible gymnastics routines, so they gain respect for him. What he doesn’t tell them is that they’re all done on greenscreen. He can’t even muster a cartwheel.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

People slag off your battering ram, but it’s opened a lot of doors for you.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Excuse me, you’re in my seat. No I fucking won’t just sit in that empty one over there, I reserved this one so I’d have a perfect view of both luggage rack and toilet.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

The shipping forecast on Radio 4 always gently lulls you off to sleep. Which, as you’re the captain of a container ship, is a real fucking problem.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

As a child, you misheard ‘money can’t buy you happiness’ as ‘mummy can’t buy you happiness’. Which is why you’ve always been closer to your dad.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Ninjas and their throwing stars were massive in the 80s, but you never see them at the Absolute 80s Weekender at Minehead Butlins, opening for Go West.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Do cat-calling construction workers charge a call-out fee?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You travel in time to Berlin, October 1932 and present Hitler with the missing bollock he’d never got over. He resigns, the Nazis are finished, World War Two never happens. Best of all it was Laurence Fox’s nut you gave him.