GOOD sex is about asking questions of partners who you’re never going to see again, whose answers you can trust. Not your actual husband, girlfriend or fuckbuddy.
Yes, you need to know if – for example – women like having their nipples yanked. No, you can’t ever say ‘well I did at first, when I was into you, but I’ve hated it since 2014’ to the man you’ve got a mortgage with.
Which is why you’re better off not asking your actual regular shag a single damn thing, and especially not these:
How many people have you slept with?
Like making a cake with a toddler, like pissing at a bus stop, like a surprise finger up the butt on the final strokes, this will be messy. But at the same time it’s only natural to be nosy and wonder if you’ve entered this long-term relationship as the winner. Problem is they’ll want to know yours too.
Only one of you gets to feel like a fucking hero – ‘Boom, 24 shags for me! Low self-esteem through my 20s and compensating with sex has paid off! Take that, wanker!’ – and the losing partner will be haunted by the imbalance until his dying day. Or he tries to make up the difference with affairs, whichever’s worst.
Do you still fancy me?
They’ll say yes. Come on, they’re not a fucking idiot and it would be sexual suicide not to. The days when rutting came as easily as getting up for a piss at 4am, but maintaining the illusion that one day you’ll shag again is key to staying together. It’ll happen, right?
And so your partner will obviously answer yes, they’re into you, albeit slightly dismissively and a little too quickly, to keep the possibility of a comeback tour alive in both your hearts. Which still isn’t a proper answer. But ask yourself honestly: would you fancy you?
What kind of porn do you watch?
You don’t want to know. And once you’ve opened the Pandora’s box of sexual honesty, nothing can be put back in. A mistimed joke about arseholes and vacuum cleaner attachments and you’ll never be able to meet Henry’s, or Hetty’s, cartoon eyes again.
If he says some vanilla shit like ‘loving blowjobs’ you’ll never believe him, even though it’s exactly what he’s not getting at home. If she blurts out a confession about group sex you’ll never mention it again but it’ll hang in the air like a ghost.
Best never to ask, then you won’t have to shoulder the weight of the knowledge. Anyway, isn’t the answer always the same: younger, more attractive people than us?
Do you like it when I do this?
No answer works. Say yes and every time you’re reaching toward orgasm she’ll begin tickling your balls. Say no and the sex you’re currently having will end in recrimination and personal abuse before anyone reaches the six-year box.
Perfect relationships between perfect people, like in the Lover’s Guide videos that lied to a generation, would use this question as a springboard to broaching the subject of what you actually would like your partner to do. Never risk being this emotionally open. Keep your mouths shut and guess away.
Shall we spice things up a bit?
You’ll feel like a fucking minx just asking the question. But think of the consequences. The evenings Googling ‘cheap bondage gear’ and waiting in trepidation for the postman. Trying to get the Bluetooth on a remote vibrator to connect to your phone.
If they say ‘fuck no’? That’s a whole other death knell. What hope is there for your Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition fantasy now? Keep your mouth shut and let actions speak instead of words. Turn over and go to sleep.
