Sex with a work colleague: the don'ts and seriously, don'ts

WHEN you’re feeling idealistic and seven sambucas down at the office party, workplace romance can seem less maniacal than all the evidence suggests.

Don’t do it. History knows you’re wrong. Everyone who’s ever quit a job they liked because of an ex they hate knows you’re wrong. But if you’re determined to take the plunge and put your line manager’s cock where your mouth is, here’s what not to do:

Don’t assume nobody knows

Just because you’ve managed to avoid referring to each other as ‘baby’ during conference calls or CCing in colleagues about where you’re meeting later doesn’t mean they’re not onto you. They are. Everyone knows, and everyone’s waiting for that moment you stay late, fuck at your desk and security releases the footage faster than you can photocopy your tits.

Don’t tell everyone

But just because they already know doesn’t mean you should tell them. That means your affair passes from illicit and discussed only in memes in various WhatsApps to tiresome and irritating. However in love you are everyone will be gunning for it to end badly, like Harry and Meghan without the cash. And you’ll find the secrecy was key to her orgasm. The attraction will wither faster than a cock next to a staple gun.

Don’t get cocky

It’s expected that any office fuck ends in tears and vengeful group emails, but the horny, naive fools having the fling are blind enough to assume they’ll be the exception. That your 55-year-old married CEO will leave his wife and kids for you. That hot Sam will come out after a few blowjobs in the stationary cupboard. That even if it doesn’t work, you’ll be fine attending meetings with a woman who once shoved a finger up your arse.

Don’t step up the PDAs

Nothing will make colleagues want to ruin your love like seeing you playing footsie or bringing in joint leftovers for lunch and booking a canteen table for two. Even friends will be going through HR’s policy on sexual harrassment line by line. Treat each other with haughty contempt. It’ll make the sex better.

Don’t do it again

You tried it and it blew up in your face. You spent six months rushing to the loo in tears whenever his name was mentioned. What do you do next? Hook up with some other luckless fucker to make your ex jealous, heedless of the fact that like with children, it’s never a good idea the second time. Stop trying to convince yourself Dave in IT is DTF and find another amusement, like microdosing shrooms.

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Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

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Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

With flying monkeys at her disposal, the Wicked Witch of the West could have just set herself up as Oz’s Amazon.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

They’re now deciding whether you qualify for a free bus pass or not by whether you’ve got an iPad you only operate with your index finger.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

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Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

For a festive treat put a lump of coal in a loved one’s stocking this year, then use it to mug someone and steal their money.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’re leaving a Boots Meal Deal out for Santa this year. He’ll appreciate the savoury.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘Check yourself before you wreck yourself’, the information board above the M5 said. Solid advice.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Yeah, I’m going from John O’ Groats to Land’s End next year, for charity. Cycling? Are you fucking mad? I’m doing it in a Vauxhall Insignia.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

In the wild seals very rarely balance multicoloured balls on their noses. Once a week at most.