WHEN you’re feeling idealistic and seven sambucas down at the office party, workplace romance can seem less maniacal than all the evidence suggests.
Don’t do it. History knows you’re wrong. Everyone who’s ever quit a job they liked because of an ex they hate knows you’re wrong. But if you’re determined to take the plunge and put your line manager’s cock where your mouth is, here’s what not to do:
Don’t assume nobody knows
Just because you’ve managed to avoid referring to each other as ‘baby’ during conference calls or CCing in colleagues about where you’re meeting later doesn’t mean they’re not onto you. They are. Everyone knows, and everyone’s waiting for that moment you stay late, fuck at your desk and security releases the footage faster than you can photocopy your tits.
Don’t tell everyone
But just because they already know doesn’t mean you should tell them. That means your affair passes from illicit and discussed only in memes in various WhatsApps to tiresome and irritating. However in love you are everyone will be gunning for it to end badly, like Harry and Meghan without the cash. And you’ll find the secrecy was key to her orgasm. The attraction will wither faster than a cock next to a staple gun.
Don’t get cocky
It’s expected that any office fuck ends in tears and vengeful group emails, but the horny, naive fools having the fling are blind enough to assume they’ll be the exception. That your 55-year-old married CEO will leave his wife and kids for you. That hot Sam will come out after a few blowjobs in the stationary cupboard. That even if it doesn’t work, you’ll be fine attending meetings with a woman who once shoved a finger up your arse.
Don’t step up the PDAs
Nothing will make colleagues want to ruin your love like seeing you playing footsie or bringing in joint leftovers for lunch and booking a canteen table for two. Even friends will be going through HR’s policy on sexual harrassment line by line. Treat each other with haughty contempt. It’ll make the sex better.
Don’t do it again
You tried it and it blew up in your face. You spent six months rushing to the loo in tears whenever his name was mentioned. What do you do next? Hook up with some other luckless fucker to make your ex jealous, heedless of the fact that like with children, it’s never a good idea the second time. Stop trying to convince yourself Dave in IT is DTF and find another amusement, like microdosing shrooms.
