EX-SEX has a bad name. Understandably, because it’s the equivalent of swigging leftover wine from the recycling bin, but irresistible for the same reason.
After all, in our internet age, what is an ex but a Deliveroo app of the groin? Delivering the familiar and disgusting pleasure you crave on a zero-hours contract? These are the pluses to banging the person you’re no longer banging:
PRO: You’re guaranteed to get lucky
He knows why you’ve texted. You know why you’ve texted. The modern requirement to spend a meal discussing prestige TV is waived, because you know already you don’t get on. It’s sex or nothing.
PRO: It’ll give you closure
Boom. Done. Now you definitely don’t have to sleep with him again until the next time you develop an alcohol-insisted need for closure.
PRO: It might fuck up their new relationship
Whether she’s dating, exclusive or merely considering the options, inserting your dick through the spokes of her happiness bike will mess it up. Whether you want to get back together or not that’s a bonus.
PRO: It makes it harder to move on
Which is great because you don’t want to move on. Your resentment towards your ex fuels your petty, spiteful life. If you don’t hook up again every so often she’ll disappear from your life and then what will you have to be pissed off about?
PRO: It’s easy and predictable
None of that ‘oh fuck, he’s sucking my toes’ awkwardness of a new hook-up. You can go in relaxed knowing it’ll be brief oral, a couple of positions, perhaps a quick spank for the road and you’re done.
PRO: You can get your stuff back
Remembered a few things you’re missing? Your photography books, his hoodie that looked good on you, the make-up you left in the bathroom after the previous regrettable hook-up? For the price of a few minutes’ dick-riding you can reclaim the lot, like a slutty bailiff.
PRO: You want them back
‘If you shag your ex, you’ll end up back with them.’ So what? At least the sex provides an excuse, rather that admitting you’re too emotionally vulnerable to date other people and his cheating actually suited you both.
PRO: You feel like shit without them
You may as well feel like shit with her and enjoy an orgasm while you’re at it.
PRO: It’ll give you something to talk to your mates about
It’s always Lucy who brings all the drama, isn’t it? Well, now you’ve gone down on your ex-boyfriend in the cinema, because Babylon wasn’t all that, you’ve got a story for fucking once.
PRO: Everybody does it
What makes you think you’re so special? Think if the whole of humanity jumped off a cliff you wouldn’t jump too? Of course you would. This is no exception.
PRO: It’s something to do on a dull, cold Wednesday
There’s nothing going on and it’s giving you lockdown vibes. Calling a former girlfriend who’s as bored as you are horny at least passes an evening.
PRO: It’s sex
Regretting sex is a luxury. No man says on his deathbed ‘I should never have had sex with my crazy ex all those times.’ And if it’s not as good as you remember, that means no more nights crying over how you’ll never have boobs like that in your face again.