Mash Blind Date: How the f**k did we manage to rope Margot Robbie into this?

MAN who cannot believe his fucking luck Tom Booker, aged 34, finds himself going on a date with Margot Robbie. She’s a married celebrity and he’s a nobody. Will it work?

Tom on Margot Robbie

First impression

Fuck me, she looks amazingly like Margot Robbie. And I should know because I’ve studied her work extensively, particularly that specific scene from The Wolf of Wall Street. And she sounds like Margot Robbie. She’s telling me she is Margot Robbie? Fuck.

How was the conversation?

I did my best. However the life of a single man living in a two-bed apartment and working for the passport office doesn’t seem enthralling when compared to that of a Hollywood star, and she’s so ravishing I found it hard to speak. She ignored my slurred, guttural moans and kept the conversation going.

Memorable moments?

Mm, could it be our shared love of Bullet For My Valentine or the moment our spoons clinked together over the shared dessert… no, I think sitting opposite Margot fucking Robbie trumps all those.

Favourite thing about Margot Robbie?

You mean apart from her divine good looks, endearing smile, millions of pounds, movie career and goofy yet approachable personality? That at one point she touched my hand.

A capsule description?

A complete nobody spends a couple of hours gawking at this freakish oversight from the laws of the universe.

Was there a spark?

I have no idea. My senses left my body when she batted her eyelashes at me and said we should go Dutch. Was that a lustful come-on or a polite way of saying ‘in your fucking dreams, you fat wanker’?

What happened afterwards?

I popped to the nearest pub toilet, sank three doubles, splashed my face with tap water and said ‘no way that just fucking happened.’

What would you change about the evening?

I wish that everyone I have ever known was sitting on the table next to us, because there’s no fucking way they’re going to believe me. Even with the selfie.

Will you see each other again?

I will see her in the cinema but she won’t see me. Normality will be resumed.

Margot Robbie on Tom

First impression

This was clearly some sort of Make-A-Wish celebrity prom date bullshit, so I was planning 45 minutes politeness before getting the fuck out of there. Until I met the man of my dreams.

How was the conversation?

He must have been allergic to the prawn starter because his tongue swelled up. He powered through, bless him, and still managed to keep up compelling conversation. That’s when I fell for him.

Memorable moments?

The whole evening was a dizzying whirlwind of sparkling conversation, amorous glances, and electric flirtation. When he accidentally kicked my shin with his shoe under the table, I came a little.

Favourite thing about Tom?

He didn’t ask me a single fucking question about fucking Harley Quinn. Do you know how rare that is for me? I could have jumped him there and then.

A capsule description?

Hollywood star is bowled over by charming, handsome stranger who mysteriously vanishes into the night.

Was there a spark?

You could have powered the whole of Queensland with the sexual tension crackling between us. Or was it a one-way thing with me giving off all the vibes? I hope he fancied me too, but perhaps I’m kidding myself.

What happened afterwards?

Tragedy struck. I was whisked off to promote this terrible movie I’m in called Babylon and we were ripped asunder before we could exchange contact details. I spent the rest of the evening drifting up and down Soho searching and lamenting like a ghost bride.

What would you change about the evening? 

That I could have at least got his surname so I could trace Tom down via social media. I’d already texted my husband saying ‘you’re chucked mate’. Now I have no option but to pretend that’s a joke and suffer my previous, miserable existence.

Will you see each other again?

Yes. If it takes me my whole life I will find him. He is my life now. My obsession. I cannot be happy until I am in his arms.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You log back into Wordle for the first time in months. The word is ‘TRAITOR’. That’s not five letters, you think, before everything goes black.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Respectful white people only use outdated hip hop slang from 20 years ago. Yo, that bling-bling is phat. Must have cost you bands.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’d like to see what one of those robot police dogs would do if you threw it into a canal. See you later, bitch.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You plan to achieve immortality through your children, or as you call them ‘organ banks’.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

‘Is that too much for you, snowflakes?’ you bellow, on the back lawn with a hairdryer and extension cord.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

People always joke that you’re a Virgo and therefore a virgin, but the joke’s on them. You haven’t been one since you were 26.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If you ask a police officer if they’re a police officer they have to tell you. But if you do it while they are wearing full uniform, sitting in a police car and talking about crimes they have solved, you have to spend the night in jail.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Tinder have been in touch. They say swiping right on absolutely everyone is in contravention of their fair use policy and you’re going to have to be single forever.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Other versions include Loughborough Monopoly, Eldorado Monopoly, Settlers of Catan Monopoly, Dante’s Inferno Monopoly and Snuff Monopoly.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

They should replace the buses in your town with a really long Lazy River going past all the important sites, like the library, the Post Office, the dogging area and the Timpsons.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

In an alternative universe there’s a fish in its dating profile picture holding up a man. The lady fishes are all swiping past it.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You wish you lived in the old days back when people didn’t have to be as attractive. You’ve definitely got the looks to be a 1980s Nottingham Forest player.