Six sexual positions that will leave you with lasting soft tissue injuries

BRINGING a sense of adventure to the bedroom: there’s nothing worse. This is sex, not a fucking log flume. 

But, in our erotically charged society, even the most boring, tired and lazy of couples can give into pressure. Enough Pimms and Mexican soft porn on Netflix and you can find yourself in the mood for a position you need a YouTube video to get right.

At first it seems like you’re banging while consulting an IKEA manual, but get it right and you’ll enjoy up to 180 seconds of unfamiliar bliss before pulling a ligament. Get every Wednesday afternoon off for a physio appointment with these positions:

Body masher

Designed to hit your G-spot; will actually put a shit-ton of pressure on your dicky shoulder where you’re prone to getting tendinitis. Especially when the most stretching you habitually do is to the top of the kitchen cupboard to get your secret fags.

But it looked good in porn, and you got overambitious, and now you’ve got bruised ribs and a twisted hip and you’re limping around the dancefloor at your own 40th birthday trying to blame it on all the mountain biking you don’t actually do.

Crashing helicopter

This position is designed to suit your every desire: especially the one where you have a legitimate excuse to Zoom into your team away day because you’re nursing a bruised pelvis.

All you had to do was twist one leg behind your back and kick the other up to the ceiling while your boyfriend put all his weight on you from above and wham, sexual ecstacy! If you and him both weighed what you did when you started dating. You’re a combined three stone heavier. And now a lumbar support cushion marks your chair at work.

Batshit cowgirl

Is it possible to pull a muscle in your cock? Apparently so, because your poor penis who’s given you so much has been throbbing every time you’ve so much as taken a piss since trying this strenuous move.

Even in the moment it was more agonising than pleasant, but your wife scoffed at you when you promised to ‘try something new’ last time you did your usual oral-missionary-doggy routine, and not seeing it through would have meant her being right.

Anniversary surprise

Surprise! You’ve fucked your back!

The other main surprise with this position was that you both hauled your limbs into it. You felt a glow of middle-aged married pride, until untangling caused as much injury as the sex itself. You’ve sprained an ankle, buggered your back and your face hurts from the contortions of forcing your largely-immobile body to hit such agile heights. You managed it though.

Acrobat at the sex circus

This one was worth every sleepless night since: an orgasm so intense it would be worth losing a leg for, never mind a bit of deep tissue damage in each calf. When you call in sick to get your injuries checked out, try to find the balls to admit how it happened – ‘a repetitive stress injury due to hot, acrobatic sex’ – and enjoy feeling like a fucking hero! You’re prescribed Deep Heat and Ibuprofen.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Monkey see, monkey do, monkey write Hamlet apparently.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

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Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You lapped up that article on sex tips for the over-60s. You’re 35 and you’re not getting any, but it’s good to be prepared.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

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Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Cars have leather seats to make it feel like the olden days, when we used to ride around on cows.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

What’s the point of clouds that don’t rain? Get out of the fucking sky and stop wasting everyone’s time.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Porn has lost its originality. Every video’s stepsister this or MILF that. Good thing you have some compelling plots about an elderly sea captain and a sexy dugong right there in your imagination.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Snails must be so racist towards slugs.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Continuity error: In the movie 1917 you can clearly see one of the soldiers playing Mario and Sonic at the Rio Olympic Games on Nintendo Switch. However, this title was only released on the Nintendo DS.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

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Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Amuse bouche isn’t French for ‘funny mouth’. Now apologise for what you said to that waiter.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

It’s not quiet quitting when you tell everyone about it, dickhead.