BRINGING a sense of adventure to the bedroom: there’s nothing worse. This is sex, not a fucking log flume.
But, in our erotically charged society, even the most boring, tired and lazy of couples can give into pressure. Enough Pimms and Mexican soft porn on Netflix and you can find yourself in the mood for a position you need a YouTube video to get right.
At first it seems like you’re banging while consulting an IKEA manual, but get it right and you’ll enjoy up to 180 seconds of unfamiliar bliss before pulling a ligament. Get every Wednesday afternoon off for a physio appointment with these positions:
Body masher
Designed to hit your G-spot; will actually put a shit-ton of pressure on your dicky shoulder where you’re prone to getting tendinitis. Especially when the most stretching you habitually do is to the top of the kitchen cupboard to get your secret fags.
But it looked good in porn, and you got overambitious, and now you’ve got bruised ribs and a twisted hip and you’re limping around the dancefloor at your own 40th birthday trying to blame it on all the mountain biking you don’t actually do.
Crashing helicopter
This position is designed to suit your every desire: especially the one where you have a legitimate excuse to Zoom into your team away day because you’re nursing a bruised pelvis.
All you had to do was twist one leg behind your back and kick the other up to the ceiling while your boyfriend put all his weight on you from above and wham, sexual ecstacy! If you and him both weighed what you did when you started dating. You’re a combined three stone heavier. And now a lumbar support cushion marks your chair at work.
Batshit cowgirl
Is it possible to pull a muscle in your cock? Apparently so, because your poor penis who’s given you so much has been throbbing every time you’ve so much as taken a piss since trying this strenuous move.
Even in the moment it was more agonising than pleasant, but your wife scoffed at you when you promised to ‘try something new’ last time you did your usual oral-missionary-doggy routine, and not seeing it through would have meant her being right.
Anniversary surprise
Surprise! You’ve fucked your back!
The other main surprise with this position was that you both hauled your limbs into it. You felt a glow of middle-aged married pride, until untangling caused as much injury as the sex itself. You’ve sprained an ankle, buggered your back and your face hurts from the contortions of forcing your largely-immobile body to hit such agile heights. You managed it though.
Acrobat at the sex circus
This one was worth every sleepless night since: an orgasm so intense it would be worth losing a leg for, never mind a bit of deep tissue damage in each calf. When you call in sick to get your injuries checked out, try to find the balls to admit how it happened – ‘a repetitive stress injury due to hot, acrobatic sex’ – and enjoy feeling like a fucking hero! You’re prescribed Deep Heat and Ibuprofen.
