Six tips for romancing MILFs, with Michael Bublé

CROONER and enduring source of mystification Michael Bublé has taken time out from touring Britain to tell us how he drives women over 35 wild with desire: 

Be just the right level of handsome

If you want to snare yourself a MILF, not that I would, I’m happily married and anonymous sex with women in unfulfilled marriages means nothing to me. But if you were to want that, you need to be just a few levels above average.

No Spanx-owning woman’s going to throw herself at a Styles or a Chalamet. No, they want a man who’s improbably handsome to be fixing a boiler or managing a Londis. Not unattainable and definitely carrying timber. Too thin and they just want to make you soup.

Be largely absent

The mistake most men make is simply being around. After a certain point, women only need a man in the house for high shelves, weird noises downstairs at 2am and in some cases spiders. Other than that they’re annoyances. So I’m sexual dynamite because I disappear for months on end, only popping up with a new album or at Christmas. They love it.

Play the numbers game

You don’t meet cougars in bars. They’re drinking seriously enough that only supermarket booze prices will do, and there’s Love is Blind USA to catch up on. Skip one-to-one approaches and hire out the Glasgow Hydro. That place can hold 14,300 women who had two bottles of prosecco before leaving the house. With odds like that you can’t miss.

Smash the karaoke

Women love confidence so step up to the mike. George Michael, A-Ha, Iron Maiden, no matter what song you butcher you’re better than her ex-husband. A two-hour rant about what a bastard he is later and you’re enjoying full intercourse quietly so as not to wake the three-year-old twins he ditched her with.

Appear mysterious

When MILF-hunting, stay mysterious. Take off your wedding ring and give yourself an alias. Maybe put on an accent. They’ll see straight through it because they have children, but women in their 40s with three kids love confidence or, failing that, even the most cursory effort. Any man who doesn’t wear the same North Face fleece 24/7 counts as trying.

Wear tight trousers

If all of this fails. I’ve found one thing that always works is to wear slightly tighter slacks. Sing big band tracks, with a voice as smooth as silk, showing off an ass that’s prime Canadian beef and ladies looking to get in one last score before the menopause won’t be able to resist. Your wife won’t care, you’ve got four kids, she’s happy to outsource the job.

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I'll do it if you do, says women whose boyfriend wants to try anal

A WOMAN has told her boyfriend that she will happily accept his request for anal penetration if he is prepared to give it a go in return.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 24, is open to having an object shoved repeatedly up her bum for Joshua Hudson’s pleasure as long as the deal is full reciprocal.

Phelps said: “Josh says he wants us to be more sexually adventurous, which I’m down with. But sticking his knob in a slightly different hole isn’t pushing any boundaries.

“So it seems to me a true sexual adventure and a brand new sensation which, as he keeps assuring me, he ‘might really enjoy’ is my taking him up the arse. It’s totally mainstream now, even the Royals do it.

“But oddly, though he was super keen on anal before and an expert on the number of nerve endings up there, once I set my terms he went very lukewarm.

“Especially after he saw my Moregasm Plus G-Spot from Ann Summers, which is weird as it’s a mere six inches. Who could be intimidated by that?”

Hudson said: “Yeah, I hadn’t anticipated that this was something we’re both physically able to experience. I’m going to move on to ball-sucking.”