Six ways to look like a bellend in an… England shirt

THE World Cup is here five months late, so why not express your belief in your country in an aggressive manner by wearing a replica kit 24/7 from now until mid-December?

A perfect way to show you support Southgate’s boys more than anyone who isn’t wearing one, the England shirt is a versatile garment to be worn:

Under a jumper

Wearing nothing but breathable, flying-pint-friendly polyester is sweetly sexy when cheering the lads on a balmy summer’s evening. But corruption nobody’s owning up to means the Cup’s in November and you’re in a heavy knit. Leave Harry and the other Harry to do the sweating and heat prostration until we win.

Under a flag cape

Does a Saint George’s cross clumsily tied in a knot across your shoulders count as an outer layer, or an outré accesory? And layering patrotic symbolism? Gauche. Just as you’d never wear double denim, don’t step out in double England. Think twice about single England.

Day in, day out

Now England have won 10-0, or near enough? You can’t wash your strip without dooming the team. In fact you can’t risk taking it off. Sure, if you had replicas of your replica, but at £75 a go you can’t afford one for every day of the week. Even your frothing fervour has hard, financially-imposed, it’s-not-Brexit’s-fault limits.

Everywhere you go

The pub is your catwalk in an England shirt, but don’t let it end there. The street, the office, weddings, funerals, job interviews and while presenting the Classic FM Awards; it’s beautiful everywhere and f**k anyone who disagrees. This isn’t like dressing as Iron Man outside of Comic-Con. The whole country stands with you.

With accoutrements

The England shirt is very basic bellend. To level up, pair it with a £12 flagon of Budweiser, England flags a-fluttering from the slightly open windows of your car that let sleet in, and the mot juste: a flare up the arse, burning end outwards. Now you’re ready for the front page of the Daily Star.

At a Wales game

Fashion’s about context and contrast, so the best and worst place to wear your gleaming shirt is at a Wales game in a Wales pub. Pop along, loudly order a lager, order a Merthyr Tydfil Uber to your local A&E and arrive in a pulped heap with a few less teeth. Unless Wales win a week on Tuesday, in which case the locals will luxuriate in your loser presence.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

All crimes are crimes of passion if you absolutely love crime.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Are You Being Served? would never work now. Zoomers would be baffled as to why Mrs Slocombe was talking about her cunt all the time.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Reports coming in of fans ‘hamstering’ in Qatar, in which they save a big swig of beer in their mouth from home until the game.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

If you were given a cursed monkey’s paw with three wishes, you’d ask for sensible things and there would be no unintended consequences. Afterwards you’d pop it on the mantelpiece.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You’ve got World Cup fever! FIFA bought the naming rights to rubella and you only have weeks to live.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You sit down for a bowel movement and a jangling torrent of coins splashes into the bowl. Finally! You’ve hit the jackpot!

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If you’re checking this because your ex is a Libra and you want to know if she’ll get back with you, don’t bother. She’s moved on.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Having a ‘water butt’ in the garden is nothing to do with diarrhoea. You know that now, and you’ve apologised.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

They shouldn’t report Scottish weather. It’s depressing even if you don’t live there so it must be much worse for them.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

After years scanning through eBay, you finally find what you’ve been looking for: your entire childhood. Buy It Now for £139.99.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Are Swedish people aware we’ve named that particular root vegetable after them?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Did you know? The raven that was tapping on Edgar Allan Poe’s door was originally a penguin, but that wasn’t scary so he changed it.