Tangfastic, Star Mix, Gold Bears: Haribo ranked from worst to best, by Ed Sheeran

ALL top stars have their vices. For Mick Jagger it was pussy, for Keith Richards heroin, and for me it’s Haribo. Can’t get enough. No self-control. I’m ranking my top five: 

FIVE: Tangfastics

Controversial, but I’m putting them fifth. Please don’t gun me down in the street like they did John Lennon. They’re too sour, they give me acid reflux, and you try keeping Munich’s Olympiahalle rocking with middle-of-the-road pop when your throat’s burning like shit and every burp’s fire. Vomited up my stomach lining and got rushed to hospital. And you get too many cherries.


There’s rock ‘n’ roll, and there are real risks like spearmint Wrigley’s Extra. I nearly choked on one at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. The fans thought I was doing some beatboxing shit on the loop pedal, but my windpipe was obstructed. Anne-Marie had to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. Maoam? Chewable candy without the risks.

THREE: Giant Strawbs

As the world’s only strawberry blonde superstar – Nicole Kidman does telly these days – the pressure’s on to represent anything strawberry-themed. I demand 500 packets of Giant Strawbs on my rider, and if they query that I up it to 1,000 packets. At Osaka’s Kyocera Dome I opened my dressing room door and they fell out in an avalanche, burying me for 22 minutes and I almost suffocated. Still, worth it.

TWO: Gold Bears

An absolute classic. So good in the Star Mix that they got their own solo outing, like Robbie after Take That or Harry Styles now. I gave packets of these out as wedding favours. Unfortunately they’re highly flammable, friends had laid out a carpet of them as a joke, a stray spark ignited them and flames raced toward me. I escaped with only severe burns to my feet which I blamed on a volcano.

ONE: Star Mix

If number one wasn’t predictable and kind of boring, it wouldn’t be an Ed chart. I gobble these things by the big, fat fistful. The Beatles recorded on LSD but my tracks get laid down when I’m binging on cola bottles, heart throbs, fried eggs and gummy rings. One time I ate so many I overloaded my system with sugar and had to be defibrillated right there in the studio. The doctor banned me from eating them. I ignored him.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

The anti-growth coalition don’t want you to buy this pro penis extender, which makes it your duty as a Tory.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

A self-help book advised you to ‘think the unthinkable’, so you’re imagining Barry from EastEnders getting off with Ana de Armas on the night bus.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Solar power, wind power, but is there no way Britain can wrest power from constant pissing rain?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You always wanted to be part of the one per cent and now you are! Because you have coeliac disease.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

If they’re doing Mario and Lego movies surely Henry Hoover’s next. His fictional universe is so rich.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Reassure yourself that marriage isn’t for everyone – only the gorgeous with winning personalities worthy of mating for life.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You needed something to do in the evenings, so you’ve joined your local am-porn society and got a decent role in their Christmas staging of Miss Adventures Of Megaboob Manor.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. And half a lager for Nick, he’s driving.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Drum yes, but no bass thanks. I’m allergic.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

A baby bird becomes attached to the first thing it sees after hatching. Like come on, shop around.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Based on your purchase of Parenting For Dummies you may also like Cooking for Bastards; Driving for Fuckwits; Shopping for Twats.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

The quarterly budgets are due next week, and you’re struggling to spin ‘replace photocopier broken when fucked on during rowdy afterhours party’ into ‘upgrade of office hardware’.