Tantric sex: can you even spare the time? asks the Mash sex columnist

FREEING your soul and expanding your consciousness while reaching new heights of sexual pleasure; it sounds alright, but it takes bloody hours. 

If you’re Sting and earning $83 an hour for Every Breath You Take, then eight hours of sex is $664 in the bank. The rest of us? Who’s got time to put a whole Sunday aside for fucking when there’s so much prestige TV?

Still, hot people are often into Eastern mysticism in a shallow and facile way as the Buddha intended, so at some point you’ll sign up for the whole trip and hope there’s a clitorial chakra. Keep the following in mind:

Time is not a construct

The hemp-clad hippies who love a bit of tantric would have you believe that time is simply a construct. That if you breathe deeply enough for long enough as you lick your wife’s labia without letting your mind wander to the impending end of your daughter’s swimming lesson, time will melt away completely.

But she isn’t going to magic her way home from the pool while you bang your way into a state of pure bliss, and time’s remarkably consistent for a construct. Wedge your cock in and get this over with.

You need motivation

Tantrics would lead you to believe that the goal of sex isn’t to have an orgasm. If that’s the case, who would bother? Nobody’s in it just to get close to a scrotum. A deeper connection with your boyfriend is something both of you can live without. If you’re expected to be inches from his ballsack, you’re going to need a proper incentive and coming’s worked so far.

You’re exhausted

You fall asleep when you sit down to watch a show with lots of flashing lights and running around. Do you honestly think you’re going to manage to stay awake through an hour of listening to your own heartbeat with your eyes closed when you can’t even make it to the end of RuPaul’s Drag Race?

Even if you weren’t knackered, who has the attention span? You’ve tried mindful meditation before and all you actually meditated on was the Champions’ League and your plans for the leftover brie.

You feel like a complete tit

As a British lover, you can’t hold eye contact mid-hump for longer than a couple of seconds. How are you expected to do it for two hours? Let alone painfully nude and on the wrong side of a takeaway chicken biryani. A fit of the giggles and all arousal lost is actually the good outcome. Face it. Tantra’s for Scarlett Johansson and Sean Combs, not a shy accounts manager from Bicester.

Is it worth it?

If you do make it through all the wide-eyed staring and yogic stretching, when you finally get to the genital contact will the orgasmic pay-off be worth it? Do you really believe you’ve the patience to find out? Let Sting have his fun. We mere sexual mortals can go on squeezing in several time-efficient, quickies throughout the week. If you need to add some mysticism, have a spliff in the garden first.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

The Royal carriage for the Coronation will have air-con, electric windows and an animatronic Princess Diana to make sure people turn up.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You are stubborn and determined like your star sign the bull. Unfortunately, like most cattle you produce up to 500 litres of methane a day. That’s why you don’t get invited to parties.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

When life gives you lemons, make lemon batteries and use them to power a digital watch. If you’ve already got an Apple watch, you won’t look much more of a twat with a lemon taped to your wrist.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Put your hands inside two Pringles tubes to find out what it’s like being Abu Hamza. This works best if you are extremely bored.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

A dog is a man’s best friend, but yours really shouldn’t have told everyone you shagged a Latvian prostitute on your stag do in his best man’s speech.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Stormtroopers are criticised for their poor marksmanship, but you’d be shitting yourself going into battle in a white uniform with that emo twat Kylo Ren in charge.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Some people share a star sign with Einstein, Franklin D Roosevelt or George Eliot. You share one with Jon Brower Minnoch, the world’s fattest man. Sums it up really, doesn’t it? He’s dead now, by the way. From fatness.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Money won’t solve your problems, but NFTs will. Buy a picture of a monkey wearing a cowboy hat for £1,900, you fucking mug.

Sagittarius, November 23rd–December 21st

You’ve got a secret admirer! He’s a buff guy with his own business and his name is Max, Max Hardcore. You’re going to be so happy together.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Easter is over so you can ignore Jesus until Christmas. Or until your diet of high-fat processed foods results in unbearably agonising constipation and you need to pray to him for mercy.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Pick your battles carefully. Definitely go for something relatively safe like asking your boss for a pay rise rather than the bloody stalemate of Stalingrad.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Your ruling planet is Mongo. An unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm. Romance is associated with the words ‘Vulcan, King of the Hawk Men’.