The Archbishop of Canterbury on... being up for Truss

WAKING up after five minutes’ sleep on Friday morning, after a disquieting night when the country appeared to be attempting to outdrink me, I note the headlines. 

My head aching so hard it is emitting an audible buzzing drone, I call an extraordinary service at the Abbey.

‘Dearest parishioners,’ I announce from the pulpit, ‘We are gathered to give thanks and praise that our country has seen fit to vote out a bunch of self-serving, racist, corrupt, transphobic genocide-enabling, NHS-privatising flag-shagging austerity cunts.’

The congregation erupts in applause.

‘Unfortunately, our country has seen fit to vote in their place a bunch of self-serving, racist, corrupt, transphobic genocide-enabling, NHS-privatising flag-shagging austerity cunts. And that’s not just me saying that, it’s God.’

While the boos echo from the rafters I conclude the service, take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical where I read that Georgie David, Reform UK candidate for West Ham and Beckton, defected to the Conservatives pre-election citing allegations of racism.

Christ’s marinated, basted and hickory-roasted cock, you noticed that, huh? What the fuck did you think the Reform Party was set up for? It wasn’t set up to fucking reform shit, mate! Quitting Reform UK because of too much racism is like quitting your job at the monkey house because of all the monkey shit! And joining the Tories to get away from racism? Didn’t want to get too far away, did you? 

Joe Biden intends to run for president despite a faltering performance in a TV debate. His wife Jill has encouraged him not to stand down.

For fuck’s sake, man, way to usher in a new fascist millennium in America! Stand down, you wretched, babbling pillar of advanced senility! You were all but fucking drooling during that debate! You looked like you were on the point of dozing off! You’re not fit to be President of your own catheter piss bag! You belong in a bathchair, not the fucking Oval Office! I’d say you corpsed except there are actual corpses who would have performed better than you did against that preening, bloviating, lying cunt! Fuck your wife, just fucking go!

Wes Streeting, today appointed health secretary, tweeted yesterday ‘If Labour are elected today, the work of change begins tomorrow.’

And we know what change you’ll be working on straight away: changing the NHS from a public utility to a fucking privatised one! Are we supposed to think the private health firms who bunged you £175,000 did it because you have a kind face? They want bang for their fucking buck and that means you pulling down trousers, grabbing the NHS by the love handles and banging it till the pips squeak! You wouldn’t have a sniff of being elected if the only other option on the menu wasn’t bootlaces boiled in piss!

Finally, it seems that the Conservative Party have been ejected from office with the loss of 250 seats, their worst general election result in living memory.

Ha! Fuck off and fuck off forever, you odious, incompetent, grasping, thick, parasitical, incoherent, criminally corrupt, evil, banal, larcenous, greedy, grotesque, graceless, lying, bastardly, dire, gargoyle-like, loathsome, disgusting, thieving, scumsucking, 14 years of misery-inflicting, malicious, murderous, rancid, poisonous, shit-spewing bunch of fucking cunts! Wriggling, mutant, vampiric Thatcher spawn! Jacob Rees Mogg! Ha! Fuck off back to the Beano, you 24 carat twat! Jonathan Gullis! Go back to the fascist toilet you crawled out of and flush yourself down the U-bend of oblivion! Liz Truss! Everyone enjoyed that one best! Made the Michael Portillo moment look like the death of David Bowie in the national jubilation stakes! You are a terminal irrelevance to the end of time! We want our billions back, you verminous, vampiric scum!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A white home counties roadman participates in a school democratic process, innit

14-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, is a candidate in a wasteman election to find class president

WAGWAN? Man seriously vexed coz your fam, Active J, woz supposed to be voted as da class president. Calm.

Miss Jackson thought it heducational if class held an helection wiv all da votin’ and shit to name leaderman. Man sed wot is da point, coz Active J is da leader of roadmandem an’ gyaldem. But Miss sed not heveryone is a roadman, an heveryone gets one vote.

Sayin’? Da class muggles should not ‘av da vote without da swag, an’ Active J should get more votes than heveryone helse coz him’s bare loud. Miss ‘ad beef wiv man about dat.

So, Lady G got up first an’ sed if her woz voted president, her would do sumfink about free sanitary in da toilets, like at da state school. Man ‘ad AirPods in.

Man gets up next an’ does leng speech ting, sayin’ dat when Active J is president only dem flexin’ da latest North Face or Montirex drip an’ trainers bosser than black Air Force will be hallowed on da hastroturf still. Lady G woz shakin’ her’s head, don’t know why, her got Jordan’s.

Den dickhead Drilla gets up an’ sez da hastroturf should be for heveryone, even if you is not a roadman or gyal. An’ there should be da free sanitary sumfinks in all da toilets even da bruvs. Bruv, wot is you smokin’?

Miss moving crazy an’ sed Drilla got da most votes an’ won coz Active J only represented him’s self but Drilla woz finkin’ about heveryone helse. Even Lady G who President Dickhead now calls him’s First Lady G. Dat bare rank.

So mandem crew all went to Maccy D’s to celebrate wiv President Wasteman. Active J just wanted to be on him’s own on da hastroturf. But den Drilla an’ Lady G turn up, an’ man sed him’s didn’t wanna be president anyway. An’ Drilla sed he dead knew an’ gave man a can of Monster.

Drilla is a peng president, today. But tomorrow man is a default dickhead again.