The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Kemi Badenoch's unwise popularity contest with David Tennant

WAKING from a blissful dream in which I am floating on my back in the Dead Sea, only to find I am sloshing about in a large pool of vomit atop my mattress, I take stock of the previous day’s events which led me to resort to libation.

Having met the leaders of the three main political parties, it now fell to me to meet Nigel Farage, leader of Reform UK. Noting that his resemblance to some species of fascist frog is even more pronounced in person, I ask him what his policies are.

‘We need to get rid of all this wokeness!’ he yelps. ‘You know, woke this, woke that. These days you go to jail for racism if you order a full English breakfast!’

Nodding wearily, I reach for my archiepiscopal staff and size it up.

‘Also, we will rejoin the EU just so we can have the pleasure of voting to leave all over again!’

I take a couple of practise swishes of my staff.

‘And then there’s – OWWWOOO!’ Swinging my staff like a golfer, I strike the fellow squarely in the gonads, before ringing for him to be shown to the egress.

And so I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Doctor Who star David Tennant commented that he wished Kemi Badenoch would ‘shut up’ about trans people. Badenoch promptly claimed ‘the only black woman in government’ was being ‘attacked’ by a ’rich, lefty, white male’.

Douse my fucking balls in hot sauce and feed them to a starving dog, it’s not because you’re black, it’s because you’re an awful, bigoted cunt! Who’s choosing to die on the hill of a issue no one gives a fuck about! You seriously think you, of all people, are gonna win a popularity contest with David Tennant? The Tories are about to be reduced to a fucking Natural Law Party-style stump, and picking fights like this is part of the reason why! And it’s impossible not to notice that for someone who despises ‘woke’, you’re pretty fucking quick to play the race card!

England battled to a gallant 0-0 draw in Euro 2024 against the formidable Slovenia to ensure qualification for the final 16 of the competition.

No fucking getting around it, that was a steaming pile of fucking shite that made the last steaming pile of fucking shite seem like delicious hot chocolate by comparison! Bellingham should have been charged admission, he was that much of a fucking spectator! Harry Kane lumbered about like he needed a fucking sedan chair and Southgate just looked on like a fucking maths teacher forced to coach the under-12s because the PE teacher had called in sick! Fucking useless! Just forfeit the next game and fly home now before you embarrass us any more!

The Gambling Commission are investigating Kevin Craig, who was standing as Labour MP for Central Suffolk and North Ipswich, after he placed a bet on himself. Meanwhile, Labour said it was returning £100,000 Craig donated to the party.

Fuck my dead cat, never mind the stupid fucking bet, what’s all this about Labour taking £100,000 from some random so he can be a fucking candidate? Imagine if the fucking Church of England was run like that! ‘Here’s £100,000, can I be Bishop of Durham?’ I’d be like: fuck that, we have standards! Holiness, piety, all that shit! We all know Starmer’s government is going to be a bunch of business-fellating centrist twats, but we weren’t expecting a fucking banana republic!

Finally, it seems that former Boomtown Rat Bob Geldof has endorsed cabinet minister Andrew Mitchell for re-election in an expletive-laden video. Geldof said he wanted to ‘big up’ the deputy foreign secretary, because he was ‘a decent person’.

You know what they say – scratch a cunt, and you’ll find a double cunt underneath! It’s well known from those who have actually met you or been forced to deal with you, including the entire corps of airline staff, that you are one of the most obnoxious human beings alive, but this takes the fucking biscuit! ‘Decent person’? Would this be the same Andrew Mitchell of ‘Plebgate’ fame, who may or may not have used that exact word but still had to grudgingly apologise for his lack of basic respect? Sorry Bob, you wouldn’t know a fucking decent person if you stepped on their face as you stampeded towards Princess Diana to kiss her fucking arse at Live Aid!

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Why I'm running to be MP for Barnsley North. By Justin Timberlake

AWARD-winning pop sensation Justin Timberlake has been wowing crowds for decades. Here he explains why his next project is to represent the constituents of Barnsley North.

HEY everybody, it’s your boy JT. Here to tell you why I’m in the running to be member of parliament for your dull little South Yorkshire market town. Truth is, I need a reset. 

I’m back in the headlines, but not for being the squeaky clean ‘Prince of Pop’. Nope, I’m going full bad boy. I’ve got myself some edge and I’m running with it. And how better to cash in than standing as an independent candidate in the English election? Those muthaf**kers know a thing or two about being notorious.

Have I lived in Barnsley? No. Do I care about Barnsley? Also no. But I’ve won ten Grammys and shagged Britney and Cameron Diaz. They should give me keys to the goddam place based on those facts alone. 

I don’t have any policies yet, not that those matter, but you better believe I’m about to shake shit up in Stainforth, Royston and Cudworth in a way only I can. By which I mean cutting-edge music production, expert choreography and a firm grasp of the redrawn constituency boundaries for 2024.

They say politics is showbiz for ugly people. Well we’re about to find out what happens when one of the beautiful people gives it a try. And it’s gonna be lit.

I’ve practically got an unfair advantage thanks to the election falling on Independence Day, July 4th. My plan is to have a full tailgate party in the car park of Grimethorpe Asda. 

There’ll be some of that great Southern smoked BBQ, a reunion of ‘N Sync and a guest spot by Snoop Dogg. And if I’m short a few votes I’ll win over all the local mums by autographing ‘Trousersnake’ in sharpie on all of their tits. 

Westminster here I come! It’s gonna be me! Timberlake OUT.