WAKING up with a hangover so horrible that my first act of the day is to shave my tongue, I reflect on a week which saw church and politics mix in controversial fashion.
I had received a request by telephone call from Reform UK leader Nigel Farage to make a personal appearance with him for a publicity shot, owing to my high personal standing in the popularity polls. This would follow a similar stunt he performed with Ipswich Town FC.
I demurred, asking, ‘Might this personal appearance not represent a preference for Reform UK, in the minds of the populace?’
‘Oh no,’ said Farage. ‘If the press ask, just say “The Church Of England is neutral and does not endorse any political leader”.’
And so I agreed and on Wednesday, Mr Farage and I made an appearance together outside Lambeth Palace, thronged by press photographers. We gave a thumbs-up. A newspaperwoman asked if this meant I would be voting Reform. I spoke as Mr Farage recommended. ‘The Church Of England is neutral and does not endorse any political leader.’ Mr Farage nodded and beamed.
‘Especially not this cunt,’ I continued.
‘Hahahahaha!’ grinned Farage through gritted teeth, maintaining his thumbs-up.
‘A frog-faced, lying grifter who, not content with plunging us into the Brexit shitter, now wants to turn Britain into a fascist fucking kleptocracy.’
Farage maintained his rictus smile, though his eyes were glowering somewhat. I terminated proceedings with a ‘Now fuck off the lot of you’, then repaired to a hostelry.
With a wry chuckle, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that actor John Lithgow said he ‘considered’ leaving HBO’s upcoming Harry Potter show, in which he plays Dumbledore, on account of author JK Rowling’s anti-trans views.
‘Considered’ it, did you? Well, that’s mighty big of you! Seriously, you expect a fucking morsel of kudos for that? Considered leaving a production whose profits will help fund anti-trans hate groups but then had another look at the cheque and decided, nah, fuck it! And to be brutally honest, anyone who watches the show or buys some piece of shit merchandise from that piece of shit gift shop at Kings Cross is chipping in to JK Rowling’s campaign to make the lives of a minority a fucking misery! Takes a bit of the fucking magic out of it, doesn’t it, JK?
Wes Streeting has said that he does not think Keir Starmer should be ousted as PM and has urged voters to ‘give the guy a chance’.
Yeah, dead right! He’s only been prime minister for two fucking years and leader of the Labour Party since 2020! We’ve hardly had a chance to find out what sort of politician he is! He might turn out to be a decent guy, or he might turn out to be a lying, unprincipled, flag-shagging genocide apologist who’d pay actual rent to live up Donald Trump’s arse! It’s just impossible to say at this very early stage, isn’t it? Shut it with your oleaginous fucking bollocks, Streeting, you’re even less trustworthy than Starmer, you spade-faced twat!
‘The oil crisis is exactly what the net zero brigade wants,’ wrote Matthew Lynn in the Telegraph this week, with a picture of Ed Miliband next to some solar panels.
What the fuck? What’s happening is that Greenies are being proved bang-on fucking correct about our dependence on oil! It’s ruinous for life on Earth in the long-term and it’s a disaster when there’s Middle East crisis like fucking now! The poor old Telegraph, even reality is woke these days! Better to live in a febrile, delusional fantasy of the sort Donald Trump belches out every fucking 15 minutes than accept Ed Miliband might have a point about something! Hooray for rising sea levels, which will make going to the seaside a fuck of a lot quicker!
Finally, it seems that the Metropolitan Police are to resume arresting protesters for supporting the proscribed group Palestine Action, despite the High Court ruling that the ban on them was unlawful.
Phew! That’s an even bigger fucking relief than the IOC banning transgender athletes in the Olympics, to stop them dominating it by winning zero fucking medals in the last 40 years! At last, decisive action to stop all the terrorism Palestine Action is doing! No longer will they be allowed to callously cause zero injuries and the same number of deaths! Frankly you could make a pretty fucking good case that it’s the Metropolitan Police who need proscribing as they’re a bigger danger to the public, but no, keep on dragging elderly Guardian-reading women to jail for holding up fucking placards, eh? Those pointed corners could cause someone to lose an eye, or something!
