The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Tom Hunt MP's struggle to find English people in Ipswich

WAKING up in a ditch near Doncaster, following an ecumenical retreat which developed into a most convivial affair, I find that while asleep I have been robbed of my mobile telephone and my wallet containing my cash and credit cards. 

They did not take my mitre, staff or cassock, thankfully. There being no public call boxes at hand, I am forced to trudge towards the nearest motorway and ‘hitch’ a ride back to London. 

After 40 minutes, a lorry driver finally pulls up. ‘I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury,’ I say. ‘Please can you give me a ride in the direction of London?’

‘You can’t be the Archbishop of Canterbury ‘cos I’m the fackin’ Archbishop of Canterbury!’ guffaws the fellow. ‘Gertcha, you bleedin’ weirdo!’

In desperation I am forced to use my last resort. I draw up to the driver, face-to-face as he is about to drive off, and exhale hard. My rum-soaked breath is enough to render him unconscious. I push him to one side, take over at the wheel and drive the Heavy Goods Vehicle back to London myself, a journey not without incident. 

Back at my chambers I refresh myself with a light repast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves has been accused of plagiarism, lifting entire sections from other sources, including Wikipedia, for her book The Women Who Made Modern Economics. She initially denied the charge, then admitted to ‘mistakes’.

My dog’s cock on a fucking stick, have you dropped a fucking bollock or six here, or what? And what the fuck are you doing with a full-time task like writing a book when you’re supposed to be a full-time politician? I mean, face it, you didn’t fucking write this, you paid off some Young Labour hack to do it and they fucked up! But you can’t fucking admit to that, can you, because the fucking truth’s like Kryptonite to you New Labour cunts!

Tyson Fury is set to fight this weekend; his opponent is one Francis Ngannou, a mixed martial artist. The fight will take place in Saudi Arabia, where executions are rife and women are legally required to obey their husbands.

Still, what’s human rights when they drive up to your enormous house with a truckload of fucking money, to add to your already colossal pile of money? You’ll throw the last of your principles on a fucking bonfire for an extra two or three million quid, which to you is what 30p is to the rest of us. Of course, Fury’ll cakewalk this farce of a fucking contest – it beggars belief that a bloke who looks like Al Murray after he’s been stretched on a rack is the hardest man in the world and shows how soft as shite this generation is. But will I be watching? No! Because I’m fucking moral, unlike you, you lanky cunt!

An event titled Britpop Classical is currently touring. It features artists such as Ocean Colour Scene’s Simon Fowler, Cast’s John Power and The Bluetones’ Mark Morriss. They’ll be performing a selection of their biggest hits with a live orchestra.

You know what, there aren’t enough fucking violins, woodwind sections and timpanis in the world to redeem the reheated dregs of tenth-rate, geriatric, desperately Caucasian bollocks on display here. It’s like putting a white bow tie on a fucking turd, is this! Ocean Colour Scene should have been buried deep beneath the ocean bed decades ago and Cast cast from a giant catapult into the fucking sun the day after they were fucking formed! 

Finally, in an interview with Sky’s Sophy Ridge, Tory MP Tom Hunt asserted that ‘If you walk into your town centre, hearing people speaking English is almost a rarity.’ He is the MP for Ipswich.

And so, the day arrives when the word ‘cunt’ should be retired and replaced with the altogether more malignant and obscene term ‘Tom Hunt’. Virtually no one speaks English in Ipswich? You went on telly and said this? Is finding non-transgender people a rarity also? Did you actually go to the town centre or is this just something you reckoned after brooding for an hour in the attic of bigotry that is your fucking addled Tory mind? Tell you what, if I go to a town and I hear nothing but English spoken, that fucking worries me because I’m concerned I’ve maybe ended up in a community full of racist, Brexit wankers like you!

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This may be my last missive from the United Kingdom of Hamas

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes Sadiq Khan wants to set up ULEZ death camps

A WOMAN hurries home from Waitrose, afraid that if she is seen without a burqa she will be dragged away by the religious police, her Charlie Bigham’s lasagne crushed on the pavement under the jackboot of Islamofascism.

No, this is not some fictional dystopia like The Handmaid’s Tale, this is me in Great Britain right now, after our spineless liberal establishment gave its wholehearted support to Hamas. 

Take Gary Lineker. He was eager to tweet his condemnation of Brexit, but has remained silent on Hamas. With such tacit support for these vile fanatics the Match of the Day presenter may as well be kidnapping innocent Israelis himself. 

And what of the woke activists we call a police force who allowed a pro-Palestinian march to take place in a democracy? I’ll tell you this for free, coppers, when Hamas have finished taking over the UK they won’t look kindly on you prancing around at Pride with all your favourite drag queens.

The list of terrorist supporters – which I define as anyone not calling for the immediate obliteration of Gaza with nuclear weapons – goes on and on. Owen Jones, the BBC, the UN, probably Eddie Izzard, the Guardian, Corbyn, the EU, Sir Keir Starmer, Channel 4. Coincidentally these are all people and organisations I and my newspaper already hate with a vengeance, but that just proves how right we were.

No, I would never use a terrorist atrocity to score cheap political points, but ask yourself this: how many Remoaners have stood up and called for Hamas to be hunted down like rabid dogs?

Only one man can stop Britain becoming a vassal state of Gaza, and that is Rishi Sunak, who I realise I recently described as a ‘useless, out-of-touch Fauntleroy geek’, but that was two weeks ago.

During his trip to Israel, Rishi had the courage to unquestioningly agree with everything Benjamin Netanyahu said, even if it meant looking like a spineless little worm, and that takes true courage. 

So if you oppose Hamas, remember to vote Conservative, and not just because the next election is looking distinctly precarious. I don’t want to be a second-class citizen in a brutal theocracy where you have to pray five times a day. I simply haven’t got time to fit it in with yoga and the school run.