I THOUGHT only my generation had computer games, in the same way my parents didn’t have streaming or the internet, just wooden spinning tops to entertain them during the war.

So imagine my surprise when Dad set up his historical computer he’d got from his parents’ loft. It was a Commode 64, a big beige brick with a tape recorder, which is actually pretty cool and retro. 

Eventually Dad let me have a go. I wish he hadn’t. I’ve decided to do my resulting gaming session as a series of reviews, just to get across my sense of disgust. Here goes. 

Pirate Cove

WTF – it’s just words! Like doing a book at school! All you do is type ‘go north’ or ‘get spade’ and that’s it. At least our English teacher Mr Yates always puts on the DVD of the book we’re doing because, as he puts it, ‘You’ve all got the attention span of fucking wasps.’ I’m sure saying things like that is child abuse.

Verdict: I’ve got a migraine from all that reading. 0/10.

Chuckie Egg

You’re a farmer who has to collect eggs. Fair enough, it’s a platformer, so not much in the way of backstory, but I wasn’t expecting the sound and graphics to be this shit. If I was the developer I’d sack a team of programmers who hadn’t ever seen a Sonic or Mario game. 

Verdict: I suppose there wasn’t much home entertainment in the 80s, so it was either this or Driller Killer, so 1/10.

Elite 

What it says about Elite on the box: a space simulation involving battles, narcotics smuggling and aliens attacking from Witch Space.

What Elite actually is: triangles in space.

Yeah it’s wire-frame graphics and you never see inside the space stations you keep visiting. Needless to say there’s no fit female characters like Miranda in Mass Effect, and if there were they’d be made of triangles.

Verdict: Actually a recognisable game where you can shoot things, but still shit. 1/10.

Gridrunner

Hard to tell what anything was. Things (aliens?) come down a grid and attack your thing (spaceship?). There’s no variation, it just gets faster and faster. ‘This is rubbish,’ I thought. Then I realised it was so addictive I’d been playing for five hours solid without blinking. I quickly drank a glass of water and ate some biscuits in case I died.

Verdict: Addictive but I’m not sure if it’s actually enjoyable. 1/10.

Tir Na Nog

I think this is meant to be an open world RPG based on Irish legends, and I was really into Skyrim. However this is not Skyrim. You can’t specialise in skills, craft weapons or customise your character, who seems to be a caveman or possibly a tramp. Also you can never tell where you are. Maybe you’re drunk. 

Verdict: I hope Ireland isn’t still like this or there’s no way I’m going on a lad’s holiday to Dublin. -5/10.

Samantha Fox Strip Poker

The old folks had gone to bed and I was sat in front of a computer, so naturally my thoughts turned to masturbation. And as luck would have it, this saucy little game was in the box. (I’m not sure who Samantha Fox was, but she seems important in the 80s, like Margaret Thatcher.)

However the shitty graphics and distraction of playing poker made it incredibly hard to wank myself off. My Dad must have been a massive pervert in his youth. Maybe I should get him put on the sex offenders register just in case? Crimestoppers is anonymous so there needn’t be any interpersonal tension.

Verdict: Makes you feel dirty and ashamed, not a cool look. 0/10.

So overall I’d recommend sticking with your XBox or Playstation. I think people were just more primitive in the 1980s. That would explain a lot about my Dad, who still laughs if he finds a strangely shaped carrot.