The memoir, releasing a fragrance, a West End musical: how I'm monetising my brand, by Boris Johnson

FORMER and future prime minister Boris Johnson here, updating you on how I’m diversifying Brand Boris during my brief time out of office. Look out for these: 

The memoir

I write not for my sake, but for history. The world needs to know how the helmsman of a great country steered it past the Scylla of Covid and the Charybdis of lockdown. An epic tale of the very preservation of human civilisation, like a modern Iliad.

Will I dwell on the pygmies that brought me down and sought to tether that which they were too small to comprehend? No. I’ll probably be back in Downing Street by then, so I’ll only give severe kickings to Hancock and Cummings.

The fragrance

It’s a natural step for national sweethearts like Cheryl Cole, Jade Goody or myself to release a fragrance. I’m going to call it Power by Boris, and it’ll smell of the leather seats of the Commons, the musty library at Chequers, the fine lacquered wood of a COBRA briefing before it fills with Raab’s flatulence. Launched for Christmas.

The West End musical

Even those grumbling malcontents who refuse to vote Tory – I get it, I’ll be back soon – are fascinated by the Boris story. The rise and fall. The hubris. Icarus. So I’ve booked a theatre for a decade for a jukebox musical that will be as popular and long-running as The Lion King. 

Let’s face it, I’ve ten times the charisma of Hamilton and that show shits cash. First act a humble dreamer at Eton, second act Mayor of London, third act PM and saviour of the nation. Delivering harmonies at the podium while Chris Whitty does backflips, that sort of bollocks.

The Partygate IPA

I’m not ashamed of Partygate because, as is agreed upon by the whole nation, I did nothing wrong. But since it’s now one of my ancillary brands, why not lean into it by releasing some small batch special edition beers?

Only available in high-end supermarkets, I’m envisioning a triad of brews: Bullingdon Stout, 5.3%, the black representing our tuxes and the white head representing our white heads. Partygate IPA, 5.4%, a pale ale in a sober grey-and-silver can, and Sunlit Uplands, 41%, representing the Brexit promise I made and will keep. Yes, 41%. I haven’t missed a decimal.


I’m taking the summer off before dethroning Rishi to the cheers of Britain, so I’ve blocked out a weekend for my own music festival. Held in my seat, the headliners include Drake, a reunited Oasis and the legendary Guns ’N’ Roses. Or if they’re not available other people.

It’ll be three days of debauchery, hedonism, and voices falling to a hush as a single swan sails by on the beautiful English river. All staff will be volunteers, all profits will go to my restoration fund, it’s the perfect springboard back to the position I was put on this Earth to hold. No low incomes. They bring the vibe down.

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Sex with an ex: the pros and pros

EX-SEX has a bad name. Understandably, because it’s the equivalent of swigging leftover wine from the recycling bin, but irresistible for the same reason. 

After all, in our internet age, what is an ex but a Deliveroo app of the groin? Delivering the familiar and disgusting pleasure you crave on a zero-hours contract? These are the pluses to banging the person you’re no longer banging:

PRO: You’re guaranteed to get lucky

He knows why you’ve texted. You know why you’ve texted. The modern requirement to spend a meal discussing prestige TV is waived, because you know already you don’t get on. It’s sex or nothing.

PRO: It’ll give you closure

Boom. Done. Now you definitely don’t have to sleep with him again until the next time you develop an alcohol-insisted need for closure.

PRO: It might fuck up their new relationship

Whether she’s dating, exclusive or merely considering the options, inserting your dick through the spokes of her happiness bike will mess it up. Whether you want to get back together or not that’s a bonus.

PRO: It makes it harder to move on

Which is great because you don’t want to move on. Your resentment towards your ex fuels your petty, spiteful life. If you don’t hook up again every so often she’ll disappear from your life and then what will you have to be pissed off about?

PRO: It’s easy and predictable

None of that ‘oh fuck, he’s sucking my toes’ awkwardness of a new hook-up. You can go in relaxed knowing it’ll be brief oral, a couple of positions, perhaps a quick spank for the road and you’re done.

PRO: You can get your stuff back

Remembered a few things you’re missing? Your photography books, his hoodie that looked good on you, the make-up you left in the bathroom after the previous regrettable hook-up? For the price of a few minutes’ dick-riding you can reclaim the lot, like a slutty bailiff.

PRO: You want them back

‘If you shag your ex, you’ll end up back with them.’ So what? At least the sex provides an excuse, rather that admitting you’re too emotionally vulnerable to date other people and his cheating actually suited you both.

PRO: You feel like shit without them

You may as well feel like shit with her and enjoy an orgasm while you’re at it.

PRO: It’ll give you something to talk to your mates about

It’s always Lucy who brings all the drama, isn’t it? Well, now you’ve gone down on your ex-boyfriend in the cinema, because Babylon wasn’t all that, you’ve got a story for fucking once.

PRO: Everybody does it

What makes you think you’re so special? Think if the whole of humanity jumped off a cliff you wouldn’t jump too? Of course you would. This is no exception.

PRO: It’s something to do on a dull, cold Wednesday

There’s nothing going on and it’s giving you lockdown vibes. Calling a former girlfriend who’s as bored as you are horny at least passes an evening.

PRO: It’s sex

Regretting sex is a luxury. No man says on his deathbed ‘I should never have had sex with my crazy ex all those times.’ And if it’s not as good as you remember, that means no more nights crying over how you’ll never have boobs like that in your face again.