FORMER and future prime minister Boris Johnson here, updating you on how I’m diversifying Brand Boris during my brief time out of office. Look out for these:
The memoir
I write not for my sake, but for history. The world needs to know how the helmsman of a great country steered it past the Scylla of Covid and the Charybdis of lockdown. An epic tale of the very preservation of human civilisation, like a modern Iliad.
Will I dwell on the pygmies that brought me down and sought to tether that which they were too small to comprehend? No. I’ll probably be back in Downing Street by then, so I’ll only give severe kickings to Hancock and Cummings.
The fragrance
It’s a natural step for national sweethearts like Cheryl Cole, Jade Goody or myself to release a fragrance. I’m going to call it Power by Boris, and it’ll smell of the leather seats of the Commons, the musty library at Chequers, the fine lacquered wood of a COBRA briefing before it fills with Raab’s flatulence. Launched for Christmas.
The West End musical
Even those grumbling malcontents who refuse to vote Tory – I get it, I’ll be back soon – are fascinated by the Boris story. The rise and fall. The hubris. Icarus. So I’ve booked a theatre for a decade for a jukebox musical that will be as popular and long-running as The Lion King.
Let’s face it, I’ve ten times the charisma of Hamilton and that show shits cash. First act a humble dreamer at Eton, second act Mayor of London, third act PM and saviour of the nation. Delivering harmonies at the podium while Chris Whitty does backflips, that sort of bollocks.
The Partygate IPA
I’m not ashamed of Partygate because, as is agreed upon by the whole nation, I did nothing wrong. But since it’s now one of my ancillary brands, why not lean into it by releasing some small batch special edition beers?
Only available in high-end supermarkets, I’m envisioning a triad of brews: Bullingdon Stout, 5.3%, the black representing our tuxes and the white head representing our white heads. Partygate IPA, 5.4%, a pale ale in a sober grey-and-silver can, and Sunlit Uplands, 41%, representing the Brexit promise I made and will keep. Yes, 41%. I haven’t missed a decimal.
Bozstock
I’m taking the summer off before dethroning Rishi to the cheers of Britain, so I’ve blocked out a weekend for my own music festival. Held in my seat, the headliners include Drake, a reunited Oasis and the legendary Guns ’N’ Roses. Or if they’re not available other people.
It’ll be three days of debauchery, hedonism, and voices falling to a hush as a single swan sails by on the beautiful English river. All staff will be volunteers, all profits will go to my restoration fund, it’s the perfect springboard back to the position I was put on this Earth to hold. No low incomes. They bring the vibe down.
