TODAY the whole world is happy and settled in its Christianity, except for Muslims and a few stubborn others. But did you know this was not always the case?
We owe our world today to one man: Emperor Constantine the Great, who ruled the Roman Empire from 306 AD to 324 AD and converted to Christianity. But recent evidence suggests he did it not because of faith, but because religion needed a reboot.
Recently discovered scrolls, thought to be a diary, explain: “At sunset last as I surveyed the temples and holy places of Rome, seat of our civilisation and learning, the apotheosis of all good, one clear thought to me: what a f**king mess.
“We have Greek gods reskinned with all their backstories of incestuous couplings and unjust rages, we have Romulus and Remus and their wolf-mother, we have all manner of minor deities even unto Gods of the household. Quite frankly this franchise is cluttered.
“You cannot spit in the street without hitting some bloody shrine or other. Every other knobhead is a priest, and now we’re adding dead emperors to the overstuffed pantheon. This is as the Marvel Cinematic Universe will end up, the soothsayers foretell.
“Then it came to me: Christianity. Persecuted for centuries but they only have one God and one prophet so we can sweep Jupiter and Typhon and the rest off the board and begin again with a convenient jumping-on point for new worshippers.
“Plus it will mean kids have to buy a whole new set of action figures etcetera and really revitalise the whole religious market. Yes, this is a market-facing move that will pay dividends. Smite me, O gods, if it isn’t. See? Nothing.”
And so Christianity became the dominant religion of the Western world and the engine of many popular books, plays and films thereafter, all thanks to one man discarding continuity and outraging the fans.
Next week: to 1849, when Britain discovers the Koh-i-Noor diamond, which rightfully belongs to the Queen, in Delhi of all places.
