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Vegans ecstatic at development of new vile and unholy meat alternative 

VEGANS across the country are celebrating the creation of yet another freakish aberration of nature that scientists have dubbed a ‘meat alternative’.   

Plant-based eaters say they are delighted with the latest product on the market, describing the combination of wheat protein, fungus and lab-altered stem cells as ‘delicious’.

Francesca Johnson, from Bristol, said: “It seems like every month they find a new way to make synthetic meat that makes a mockery of the natural world while claiming to be a health food.

“I tried it the other day and I honestly couldn’t tell the difference. It was just like eating meat from an actual animal, if that animal was the most grotesque and disturbing beast to ever roam the earth.

“These substitutes are getting so good now that pretty soon we won’t need to farm real meat. Why do something as environmentally unsound as eat a cow when you could be supporting the biodiversity-destroying soy industry?”

Food scientist Mary Fisher said: “We were just f**king about in the lab and produced this abhorrent monstrosity by pure accident. We didn’t expect anyone to eat it.

“But the beauty is that it doesn’t matter how it looks or tastes. You could call a cow pat a meat alternative and the vegans will come flocking like moths to a flame.”

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Mash Blind Date: 'She's so great. I can't wait to introduce her to my other girlfriends'

CAN Oliver O’Connor, aged 34, who’s very proud of his open relationship, find magic with 29-year-old Jo Kramer who had no idea that was his deal? 

Oliver on Jo

First impression?

Reminds me a little of Sandra, who left my polycule in 2021, a little of Ruth who left late last year and a little of India who I’m seeing Wednesday. So definitely my type.

How was conversation? 

Incredibly she’s never dated a man in an open relationship before, even though polygamy is the hot trend in love lives right now, so I was happy to explain how it works to her. And that girl is definitely polycurious!

Memorable moments?

She was asking so many questions about my other girlfriends I eventually handed over my phone so she could swipe through for herself. And she had it for ages! Hey, I’m still here!

Favourite thing about Jo? 

I think she’d fit in perfectly on Thursday nights, kind of a warm-up-for-the-weekend vibe. Which I told her and she was flattered. Also India would definitely want a three-way with her. I told her that too.

A capsule description? 

Maybe my ambition’s getting ahead of my dick, but I want another girlfriend and Jo’s it! Arrgh!

Was there a spark? 

Oh, without a doubt. Her eyes were alive with the excitement of it all night.

What happened afterwards? 

Jo had a pressing engagement and I had to go back to Ronia for the night because, as I explained, I wasn’t about to neglect her just because a new chick had danced into my life and swept me away. Jo was very understanding.

What would you change about the evening? 

Perhaps I should have brought India with me, but paying for cocktails for three? Ouch!

Will you see each other again?  

We certainly will. I’ve emailed her the rota and asked her to fit herself in.

Jo on Oliver

First impression?

How do I put this? Good-looking, but not as good-looking as he thinks he is? Exuding a sexual confidence that seems unearned? With a shit moustache?

How was conversation? 

One-sided. Because he’s in an open relationship and did not linger for one moment to ask if I was comfortable with that, instead filling me in at great length about all his shags. Like, by name and preferred position.

Memorable moments?

I got sick of the bragging and said ‘let’s see these girlfriends then’ and he handed over his phone. Yeah. Why do girls in open relationships always look like that?

Favourite thing about Oliver? 

It’s great he was so candid, otherwise I might have considered I was on a real date for longer than the first sip of the first drink.

A capsule description? 

Like dating a Channel 5 documentary.

Was there a spark? 

Fuck no. He’s a walking dick pic. Ready-lubed.

What happened afterwards? 

I lied and he was off to see his original girlfriend, who was the one who looked most miserable in the photos. Took some photos of him though. The girls will want to see them. Frankly I’ll be telling this story for years.

What would you change about the evening? 

Honestly nothing. I got a free dinner and a freakshow. That’s a night out.

Will you see each other again?  

Absolutely fucking not. Though I am going to write ‘Spunkmaster’s Day Off’ and ‘Get 70,000 mile service for cock+balls’ all over his Google calendar.

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