'What if we say this is the real election, you lose, we go home?' my wife asked. And it made sense to me

From the diary of Rishi Sunak, Britain’s most downwardly-spiralling prime minister

WE’RE losing the by-elections. We’ll lose the general election. So, if you look at it from a certain perspective, like Akshata’s, I could just quit now.  

‘You’re already a loser,’ she says, ‘and everyone knows it. Even Bill Gates said I should be ashamed to be married to you. Why hang on a year just to be a bigger loser?

‘Let someone else take the job. Braverman, Badenoch, one of your nutcases. Make out you resigned on principle. That should boost the consultancy fees.

‘We don’t even have to say. Off we go to India on holiday and don’t come back. Email from the plane. Trust me. Nobody will even care.’

Obviously, on a surface level, these words are deeply insulting to me. And on a political level I was put in to do a job and I’m not a quitter. The Tories are bouncing back and turning this around. So all in all, I couldn’t disagree more.

Which doesn’t explain why I’m not saying any of that. Or why I have this rising feeling of hope and lightness in my chest, like all I have to do is say yes and all the tension would go away forever.

‘Actually,’ I say, burying that spark, ‘there’s every chance we’ll win at least one–’ before my wife cuts me off. ‘Oh hear yourself,’ she says. ‘“I am only a two-time loser! I am not fully humilated yet!”

‘After Johnson and Truss the history books will not even remember Sunak. First Indian prime minister of the former UK, that will be your footnote. Give it up. Go home.’

‘But inflation’s going down,’ I whimper pathetically. The door slams behind her, and rightly so.

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The Wham-O Frisbee: the next six toys I'd like to portray on film, by Margot Robbie

BARBIE star Margot Robbie doesn’t want to stop at the iconic doll. Ahead of the movies release, she details the next five plastic toys she longs to portray: 

The mouse from Mouse Trap

You’ve seen the Saw movies? Imagine that, but I’m a mouse. A sexy mouse. As with the game, the movie would spend the majority of its runtime painstakingly assembling the over-elaborate trap with the promise of fun to come, then skip the game entirely and just trigger the trap. Honestly, so fucking hot as the mouse.


This cult British toy, remembered by everyone who almost collected the full 50 in packets of Quavers in 1997, is ripe for an arthouse revival. Because toy movies don’t have to be for kids. Tazos are discs with cut edges you can link to make large constructions, so I’m thinking a shot-for-shot remake of The Bridge On the River Kwai, but darker.


Returning to that endless well of late 90s toy creativity, and Florence fucking Pugh having bought up the Beanie Baby option already, I’m guiding this to a $300m greenlight. Gosling’s in, Pacino’s in, Millie Bobbie Brown’s our owner. I’m the lead Tamogotchi trying to escape my digital prison to the real world. Pacino dies when they forget to let him shit.

The Wham-O Frisbee

Very much my passion project. My agent said ‘How do you make a plastic disc emote? How do you make it love? Make it weep?’ I said, fucking watch me. Essentially, I feel that playing a Wham-O Frisbee is the furthest I could take myself out of my comfort zone. Oh sure, I could portray a lump of Play Doh or star in Bop-It! with no trouble at all. But deep down I want the simplicity and raw challenge of playing a disc with curved edges.

Sophie la girafe

France’s most popular chewable toy for babies, six million sold every year, and how did my career get here? What happened? Harley Quinn was bad enough. Remember when I played that mad ice skater and was in the bit your husband goes quiet for in The Wolf of Wall Street? That was a Scorsese movie. How did I end up in this fucking mess?

The Space Hopper

I’ve always wanted to be in sci-fi, and I’ve never been one to hide behind my genetically-perfect looks. So this is very much my version of when Charlize Theron got an Oscar for uglying up as a serial killer. I imagine I’m an alien, initially mistrusted, then saving the world, laser beams, doomsday devices, all that. It’ll make millions. Billions.