Why won't British leftists say bad things about Charlie Kirk so I can get them fired?

18th September 2025

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who knew Mandelson was a wrong ‘un and knows Trump isn’t

I SCAN their social media. I monitor their conversations. I can tell they’re thinking it. So why won’t our homegrown liberals badmouth Charlie Kirk so I can snitch on them?

A rabid Trumpian militia is poised to ruin their lives. Look at what’s going on over there – a purge putting Stalin to shame, a ritual bloodletting the Aztecs would admire. It’s approaching half the workforce, and good.

But over here? Where are our unionists and teachers and woke librarians slandering a dead man by holding contrary views? Why haven’t we fired our ultra-liberal Jimmy Kimmel spewing late-night hate, ie The One Show?

I’m up all night delving deep into Instagrams, joining private Facebook groups, even – wearing surgical gloves and mask – the cesspit-cum-orgy of Bluesky. And none of you have said a bloody word.

I know you know who Charlie Kirk is. How could you not? The President’s right-hand man, a Pied Piper leading America’s youth to the magic mountain of MAGA. A man never afraid to debate who said nothing offensive, ever, and direct quotes are disrespectful.

But on every social worker’s X account there’s the same old ‘who even is Charlie Kirk?’ which I suppose is hilarious to you. A man who Trump will shortly be presenting for sainthood, and you’ve ‘never heard of him’.

You’re talking about him. In your private WhatsApps, in your Discord servers whatever they are. I can’t prove it but I suspect, and in this nation suspicion is eight-tenths of the law.

I’ve reported you to the US authorities. You lose your job tomorrow and your house Monday. And this isn’t cancel culture because it’s us doing it.

Mash Blind Date: 'Is he the red-blooded male whose sacrifice will please the Old Ones, or too handsy?'

15th September 2025

HANNAH Tomlinson, known to her coven as 28-year-old Isolde Hexebane, wonders if Tom Logan, aged 28, is The One whose sacrifice her dark masters crave?

Hannah on Tom

First impression?

Strong of limb, The Tribute hast fed well like the ox and is possessed of a beating heart as Orachon, Lord of the Howling Deep, demands. Also, he smelt nice.

How was conversation?

He listened politely while I explained the Seven Stages of Flaying. He then paused and said he’s a Capricorn. Points for effort.

Favourite thing about Tom?

His neck. Really sturdy. We won’t need Helen’s mum’s tray to balance that bad boy on the altar slab.

Memorable moments?

The Moonmarked laughed nervously after I asked if he’d ‘mind being bound in ivy at dawn’. Such a sweet, mortal laugh. He asked if this was ‘like, BDSM shit’.

A capsule description?

A civil servant in the Department for Transport. ‘A fool who carries the power of the King’.

Was there a spark?

No, but there will be once we’ve gathered kindling.

What happened afterwards?

I did what any daughter of doom would and messaged the girls to check if this truly is our glittering coil. We have a WhatsApp group called ‘The Coven’ because it is one.

What would you change about the evening?

When the waiter glared at me for making a pentagram with the cutlery.

Will you see each other again?

Yes, but not when The Radiant She rules the sky. At solstice. When the moon is fat and his cries echo through the moors to be heard by Khalruum, Warden of the Black Maw, who hungers still. So about 11.40pm, depending on the night bus timetable.

Tom on Hannah

First impression?

I liked her hot Gothy dress sense. I didn’t know they were turning fake skulls into clutch bags now. It looked realistic.

How was conversation?

I was slightly surprised when she asked if I’m a virgin. She looked crestfallen when I said no.

Favourite thing about Hannah?

She’s passionate about the environment. She talked a lot about how we all need to make sacrifices to protect the crops and ensure a bountiful harvest. I agreed, of course. I’ve just bought a reusable cup.

Memorable moments?

I cut my thumb on the steak knife and, instead of handing me her napkin, she accidentally held her wine glass up to catch it. How silly!

A capsule description?

Hot glasses intellectual. She’s in this fancy book club where they’ve just read The Codex of Beelzebub, by Dan Brown I think.

Was there a spark?

Yes, but only because she insisted that the waiter place candles around us in a circle.

What happened afterwards?

She invited me to go look at the stars. Did you know it’s only three days until the full moon? She must have an app that tells her, or it’s menstrual maths.

What would you change about the evening?

I wish she’d talked less about this ‘Threxian the Destroyer Who Must Be Appeased or All Shall Suffer His Wrath’. Always bad form when someone brings up their toxic ex.

Will you see each other again?

She asked if I’d like to meet her girlfriends and be ‘stripped and devoured’ by them. I guess old Tom’s finally in for a foursome.