WAKING with a hangover so intense I shat out both my kidneys and an auxiliary third one I had transplanted, my mind turned to strangely relevant historical events.

Recent current affairs prompted a memory from the 1940s, when one Kerr Stormer (no relation), a leading light in the Labour Party, issued the following statement by way of tribute to Benito Mussolini, who had perished at the hands of Italian partisans, suspended by his ankles alongside his mistress. 

‘I am desperately sad about the passing of Senor Mussolini. There is no place for violence in World War II. Though he may have held robust views with which others may have differed, it is right and proper that we debate these views in an open, civil manner, even if we are at war with those who hold them, though at all times abiding by the rules of conflict, of course.’

I was a young cleric at the time and sent him the following telegram: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? STOP HE WAS A FUCKING FASCIST YOU LUDICROUSLY INSIPID STREAK OF CUNT! STOP

I regret to report that despite the premium he placed on civility, I did not receive the courtesy of a reply. Mr Stormer’s political career later fizzled out ignominiously, evaporating due to his sheer insubstantiality.

With a wry smile, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Keir Starmer has sacked Peter Mandelson after more details emerged of his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. Starmer said he had no idea of the full extent of their friendship.

Fuck me with a German sausage in a fucking sock, how many times has this Transylvanian, sleazy fucking ghoul been sacked from the fucking government? Who’s to say he won’t come oiling back into office in six months’ time to work his Hammer Horror malignancy on the Labour Party? He’s the classic film vampire who’s comically fucking obvious to everyone except that flabby-faced, glassy-eyed fuckwit Starmer, who still can’t work out why people have got fucking bite marks in their necks an hour into the film! 

Boris Johnson has paid tribute to the murdered American far-right figure Charlie Kirk: ‘Charlie Kirk has been killed not for espousing extremist views – because he didn’t. He has been killed for saying things that used to be simple common sense.’

Fuck me, you corrupt, fact-averse, nauseating, shambling fucking moral fatberg, ‘simple common sense’? He believed black women were intellectually inferior to white men. He believed trans people were disproportionately disposed to mass shootings! In a particularly pleasant discussion he said he would not allow his 10-year-old daughter, should she become pregnant from rape, to have an abortion! I don’t know if this is what passed for ‘simple common sense’ in your Famous Five Go On A Fascist March childhood but for the rest of us he was a horrible, far-right influencer cunt! And worst of all you know it, you smirking, relentlessly odious fucker!

Nadine Dorries has defected to Reform UK, prompting Nigel Farage and other party leaders to call her an ‘asset’ and a ‘great boost’ to the party. 

Fuck me, talk about rats boarding the soon-to-be-fucking-sinking ship! Which is weighed down with monumentally incoherent fuckwits like Dorries! I know it’s all a grift to you, and you’re gifted popularity by the BBC’s stupid infatuation, but at some point you’re gonna have to demonstrate some fucking competence! Let’s just nail down how Mad Nad is going to be an asset. When you need someone to do an interview while pissed? When you desperately need a Lucy Letby conspiracy theorist? When you’ve got some fucking ostrich anuses in the fridge that need using up?

Finally, it has been agreed that Lachlan Murdoch will take over his 94-year-old father’s media empire, having reached a financial agreement with his less right-wing siblings.

Well, that’s the lease on the world being fucked renewed for the next 40 years, isn’t it? That fucking hideous reptile Rupert shows every sign of outliving a fucking Galápagos tortoise, but at some point you’ll take over and continue his evil work. Who’d have thought someone with a lovely Scottish name like Lachlan would be prolonging the right-wing immiseration of mankind until the last fucking iceberg melts! Nice fucking work, mate!