Woman has admirably feminist reason for cheating

A WOMAN caught cheating has a respectable, patriarchy-smashing reason for doing so, it has emerged.

Eleanor Shaw does not feel an ounce of guilt for being caught sleeping with another man by her boyfriend due to some noble feminist excuse that she is clearly making up while frantically putting her clothes back on.

Shaw said: “It’s typical of the male gaze to look at a woman secretly shagging a man who isn’t her partner and see a problem. I honestly thought you were more progressive than that.

“Historically, men have slept around way more than women, which is grossly unfair. By fooling around behind your back I’m just closing the adultery gap. I expect history will remember me as the Emiline Pankhurst of booty calls.

“I don’t expect you to understand. You’re blinded by your privilege. In a fair and equal society, taken women should be free to bang whoever they like whenever they want. Anything else is just oppression and if you disagree with me you’re a monster.

“Similarly, if boyfriends so much as look at another woman’s chest instead of her eyes, then they should have to pay financial reparations for the next two decades. That’ll make up for us not getting the vote until 1928.”

Shaw’s boyfriend Tom Booker said: “On behalf of all men, I’m sorry. Please resume your doggy style and I’ll let myself out.”

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This week in Mash History: Marie Antoinette invents being a dickhead influencer, 1770

THE name of Marie Antoinette, consort of Louis XVI of France, has endured almost entirely because of how fit she was. But did you know she also invented influencing? 

Her combination of attractiveness, wealth and being completely out-of-touch with reality are familiar to anyone who spends too long on Instagram. And it is now believed her ability to be absolutely f**king everywhere directly drove the ‘paysans’ to storm the Bastille in 1789.

A recovered transcript of a speech Antoinette gave to the starving of Paris in 1783 reads: “Bonjour, what is up you guys? I hope you are having a fabtastic Fri-yay. C’est moi, back with an update on our crazy lives.

“As you can see, I’m wearing a three-foot-high poof inlaid with a couple hundred pearls, a panache of ostrich feathers, and today’s dress is made of indienne – much nicer than that nasty French wool! I know you’ll want to get the fit, so use my code ‘HABSBURG-LORRAINE’ for free delivery on feathers.

“You’ll be as très excite as me to hear that work on mine and hubby’s hamlet is getting there slowly, hard as it’s been having the neoclassical architects in!

“It will be so brilliant for the kids when it’s finished. A chance for them to visit a real farm without even leaving the palace grounds and to understand the ordinary people being played by our servants.

“I’ve got to be real, I’m having a tough day. These harvest failures are really taking a toll on me. The chefs will not stop complaining about how much harder it is to secure foods or the conditions in the fields. I’m an empath, so I’m very sensitive to negativity.

“But I can’t let haters get me down. To those of you who write pamphlets commenting on my spending taxes to gamble, party and buy diamond wallpaper, I have two words: Be Kind.

“And if you, my loyal fans, are also having a bad day, just remember to eat that cake. Like and subscribe! See ya!”

So Antoinette continued getting high on her own bullshit, and is the reason why many today again feel the need for guillotines in public squares.

Next week: to AD 95, where John appears on a series of Middle Eastern talk shows to explain he wrote his own Gospel ‘to set the record straight and speak my truth’.