Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Any school’s a boarding school if you forget to pick your kids up.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Murder she wrote, larceny she sang, aggravated assault and battery she communicated through the medium of modern interpretative dance.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Listen, we’ve heard the songs, we’ve seen the film, but has anyone here actually ever worn Prada?
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
“I want to thank you. For the advice you gave me? That flying fuck at that rolling donut was the best sexual experience of my life.”
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
This message is sponsored by Subwayminal AdverTizering.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
The thing with opera is, how do people know they can do that? Can you do that? Have you ever tried?
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Einstein’s theory of relativity, Gödel’s incompleteness theorem, Von Neumann’s paradox: all invented by Peggy Shufflebottom. But she knew they’d never sell under that name.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Scorpio is the sexiest sign of the zodiac, as represented by the sexy, sexy scorpion.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
A middle-class red light district: oboe lessons, French teachers, ballet schools, all shouting lewdly at passing Volvos for business. ‘Private tuition’ signs in phone boxes.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Change the expression ‘cost of living’ to ‘price of not dying’ and it sounds way more dystopian.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
‘Dogger?’ ‘No, German Bight,’ you tell the stranger in the woods.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
All you want is to walk into a room and receive the applause reserved for a sitcom’s celebrity guest, one who has a well-known connection with a cast regular allowing for a series of knowing jokes the audience laps up.
