Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
The ex-girlfriends who you’re sending daily pictures of your Wordle to have asked if you can go back to sending daily pictures of your cock.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
When you’re out metal detecting and find a large stash of rusted, buried metal detectors next to a pile of human bones, you put two and two together juuust too late.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
Footage of you strutting around the office with your flies open will become immortalised as a gif. It will be your only notable legacy on this celestial plane.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
Tomorrow will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. Shit, it’s the Slenderman.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
You were hoovering wearing a loose-fitting dressing gown and you fell on the Shard. That’s how it got up there.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Amateur pornography is never amateur enough for you. They always seem to know where the dick is.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
On Thursday you begin your job as a swimming teacher and reason that the phrases ‘in at the deep end’ and ‘sink or swim’ don’t come from nowhere, though the police disagree.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
You’re one of the people who saw the potential and bought into bitcoin back in 2013. Unfortunately that means you spent what would now be £64,500 on an eighth of weed.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
This week you make the sensible decision to hang a dreamcatcher from the rear-view mirror of your 36-tonne truck. That way you won’t have nightmares when you doze off on the M6.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
Today everything is about you just like it always is. Why not have some empathy and read what’s in store for Pisces or Virgo occasionally, you self-centred piece of shit?
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
You cannot believe that, in this golden age of television and Marvel movies and so much going on in the world, there are sad twats out there who can tell the difference between trees.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
Your sign has been acquired by Aries in a hostile merger. Yes, there will be redundancies.