Aries, March 21st–April 19th
So it’s Godzilla vs Kong, Godzilla vs Godzooky, Godzilla vs Bennifer, Godzilla vs the Brazil 1970 World Cup squad, Godzilla vs Alien vs Batman vs Predator vs Superman then Godzilla vs Gonorrhea?
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You get more bang for your buck, as the exchange rate between male deer and Semtex continues to work in your favour.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
One guard always lies, the other always tells the truth. It’s a fucked-up way of managing door policy at Tiger Tiger, but it is what it is.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
No pain? No gain. No gain? No train. No train? No Spain. Basically, you need to get yourself fit or you’ll miss a perfectly lovely overland rail holiday in the Sierra de Villuercas.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
You enjoy the longest nine minutes of your life this week, as you show a friend an absolutely hilarious YouTube video and they do not at any point laugh.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Listening to Bruce Springsteen, you idly wonder how many of his songs would never have happened if couples fucking in cars in New Jersey had used contraception then realise the answer is ‘all of them’.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
If the most special thing Japan can think of to call itself is the Land of the Rising Sun, a phenomenon common to every country on earth, it must be a right load of shit.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
To think – if you really piss someone off today you might end up with a starring role in a hit true crime podcast.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
It’s better to have loved and lost than have never been a billionaire oligarch with a massive fucking yacht at all.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
All that Pixar technology wasted on films for kids when it could absolutely revolutionise pornography. Your imagination is the only limit and it’s ethical.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
According to astrologers the Age of Aquarius began in 2020. Not going great so far, is it? That’s on you.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Have any of these overcritical twats actually tried to sit on a fence? It’s bloody painful.