Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

So it’s Godzilla vs Kong, Godzilla vs Godzooky, Godzilla vs Bennifer, Godzilla vs the Brazil 1970 World Cup squad, Godzilla vs Alien vs Batman vs Predator vs Superman then Godzilla vs Gonorrhea?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You get more bang for your buck, as the exchange rate between male deer and Semtex continues to work in your favour.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

One guard always lies, the other always tells the truth. It’s a fucked-up way of managing door policy at Tiger Tiger, but it is what it is.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

No pain? No gain. No gain? No train. No train? No Spain. Basically, you need to get yourself fit or you’ll miss a perfectly lovely overland rail holiday in the Sierra de Villuercas.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You enjoy the longest nine minutes of your life this week, as you show a friend an absolutely hilarious YouTube video and they do not at any point laugh.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Listening to Bruce Springsteen, you idly wonder how many of his songs would never have happened if couples fucking in cars in New Jersey had used contraception then realise the answer is ‘all of them’.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If the most special thing Japan can think of to call itself is the Land of the Rising Sun, a phenomenon common to every country on earth, it must be a right load of shit.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

To think – if you really piss someone off today you might end up with a starring role in a hit true crime podcast.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It’s better to have loved and lost than have never been a billionaire oligarch with a massive fucking yacht at all.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

All that Pixar technology wasted on films for kids when it could absolutely revolutionise pornography. Your imagination is the only limit and it’s ethical.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

According to astrologers the Age of Aquarius began in 2020. Not going great so far, is it? That’s on you.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Have any of these overcritical twats actually tried to sit on a fence? It’s bloody painful.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Duke of bastard York

TAKING a light breakfast of grapefruit and dry toast in my refectory following morning worship, I was intrigued to read Andrew Marr describing the idea that Boris Johnson should resign over the Partygate scandal as ‘a little quaint’.

Roger me ragged with the ancient primiatal cross, ‘a little quaint’? I always had you down as a servile little prick nestled cosily in the fucking perma-slime between the establishment’s arse cheeks but I never thought you capable of dead goats’ bollocks like this! ‘A little quaint’? While people were dying and isolated due to his own fucking COVD rules, the fat twat was quaffing champagne, stuffing his gullet with canapes and fucking smirking like Muttley at what fucking mugs we all were! He shouldn’t just resign, he should be launched out of parliament with a giant catapult sewn together from used hospice nappies into the Thames! ‘A little quaint’! A little cunt, that’s what you are!

It has been brought to my attention by a number of distressed parishioners that Ed Sheeran currently has four hits in the UK singles charts – Peru featuring one Fireboy DML, Bad Habits, The Joker And The Queen and Shivers.

French kiss my fucking ring, in a very real sense it’s days like this when I contemplate the British public and think to myself, ‘What the fuck is up with you?’ Ed Sheeran’s what happens when a divot fucks a cow pat! He’s got all the fucking appeal of a turnip that’s been out in the sun since the 13th century! He’s a fucking clay pigeon! Yet he’s only got to break wind into a studio microphone and you morons buy it up like idiot Catholics buying fragments of the true fucking cross! There are 17th-century hymns better than this shit!

Sir Keir Starmer has pledged that Labour will raise the national minimum wage to £10 an hour in two year’s time. As of this month under the Conservatives, it is £9.50 an hour.

And there you fucking have it. The chocolate-bottomed-teapot uselessness of the Labour Party under this piggy-eyed, rictus wanker Starmer and the difference of fuck all he’s going to make to working people. £10 represents a fucking cut, given that inflation’s currently tearing a new arsehole in the roof! It’ll probably be about a fucking fiver in real terms in fucking 2024! Still, mustn’t frighten the old flag-fucking racists in Stoke-on-Trent you’re currently pandering to by saying or doing anything remotely fucking socialist, eh? Twat.

Finally, a service of thanksgiving for the life of the Duke of Edinburgh took place at Westminster Abbey this week, which I attended in my ecclesiastical capacity. The Queen was naturally present, escorted down the aisle by her son Prince Andrew.

I tell you, when that senile, glassy-eyed, ludicrously over-praised buzzard came shambling in with that lecherous scumbag on her arm, I thought, ‘You are shitting me. Seriously, you are fucking shitting me.’ Actually, I didn’t just think it, I shouted it out loud! What a fucking troll! Laurence Fox and Julia Hartley-Brewer have got nothing on this old bird. Way to say ‘fuck you’ to any poor sex trafficking victim who had the misfortune to be introduced to her favourite fucking son! Even Prince Philip would have drawn the fucking line at this!