Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Cats are one of the few creatures that always land on their feet, even after being convicted of indecency in a public place.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
For selfless stewards of the countryside, farmers sure keep the environs of their houses like a fucking shit-tip.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
The world record for clowns in a car is 23. The world record for cars in a clown is sealed by the coroner.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
You still harbour a sneaking suspicion that you’re inexplicably big in Japan.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Every cloud has a secret inner lining where it keeps a handgun, just in case skydivers get too close.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
It’s a thankless job being a bouncer. No one ever comes back and says ‘Good call not letting me in last night. I was far too hammered. And fair enough, that shirt was casual.’
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
It’s hip to be square? Shame your body is an irregular octahedron then, for that and other reasons.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Imagine if you had tickets for Elton John and it got cancelled. You don’t have to go out and you’re getting 600 quid. It’d be the greatest night of your life.
Sagittarius, November 23nd–December 21st
You’ve decided your daughter is the right age for her first smartphone. Granted she’s only four but she keeps bugging you when you’re on yours.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
A dog is for life. A Staffordshire bull terrier is for life without parole.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
The fact that the phrase ‘Brazilian bum-lift’ only ever appears after the word ‘botched’ is surely telling.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
And finally tonight’s closing drug prices: cocaine up six per cent after an end-of-market rally, heroin continuing to fall as Taliban releases reserves, cannabis hits its cap.