Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Becoming a doctor takes seven years of high-level studies so it’s still the quickest way to get into a GP’s surgery.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You took the Pepsi Challenge, lost and have been legally barred from drinking any form of cola since June 1982.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach him how to shoplift and he can have Pringles, deodorant, cider, anything he wants.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
What’s the line between mutual masturbation and proper, full-blown sex? Tonight on Channel 4, Jon Snow investigates.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
It would make more sense if Ant and Dec swapped names, because Dec is small like an Ant and Ant is tall like the top Dec(k) of a bus.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Police in your area have announced a Wank Bank Amnesty. Clear the most sordid corners of your mind and leave with a clear conscience.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
If you ever see a little black bag hanging from a tree do not pick it. That fruit is not of the fruitbowl, my friend.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
When Julius Caesar was stabbed, do you think he was secretly a bit relieved? Being Emperor sounds like a fuckton of work.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
As a stand-up comedian it’s your job to find the humour in every situation. If the punters at your granny’s funeral don’t understand that frankly you don’t need them.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
It’s time to switch to your summer wardrobe, which is great because the winter one has Narnia in it and Mr Tumnus bangs on for 20 minutes every time you get a scarf.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Allergies aren’t real. With a positive mental attitude you could eat those pine nuts no problem.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
This week you’ll text a woman you don’t know asking her to send nudes, and 40 minutes later three naked men arrive at your house and kick shit out of you.