Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Becoming a doctor takes seven years of high-level studies so it’s still the quickest way to get into a GP’s surgery.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You took the Pepsi Challenge, lost and have been legally barred from drinking any form of cola since June 1982.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach him how to shoplift and he can have Pringles, deodorant, cider, anything he wants.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

What’s the line between mutual masturbation and proper, full-blown sex? Tonight on Channel 4, Jon Snow investigates.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

It would make more sense if Ant and Dec swapped names, because Dec is small like an Ant and Ant is tall like the top Dec(k) of a bus.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Police in your area have announced a Wank Bank Amnesty. Clear the most sordid corners of your mind and leave with a clear conscience.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If you ever see a little black bag hanging from a tree do not pick it. That fruit is not of the fruitbowl, my friend.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

When Julius Caesar was stabbed, do you think he was secretly a bit relieved? Being Emperor sounds like a fuckton of work.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

As a stand-up comedian it’s your job to find the humour in every situation. If the punters at your granny’s funeral don’t understand that frankly you don’t need them.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

It’s time to switch to your summer wardrobe, which is great because the winter one has Narnia in it and Mr Tumnus bangs on for 20 minutes every time you get a scarf.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Allergies aren’t real. With a positive mental attitude you could eat those pine nuts no problem.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

This week you’ll text a woman you don’t know asking her to send nudes, and 40 minutes later three naked men arrive at your house and kick shit out of you.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Elon twatting Musk

WAKING at four in the morning in a puddle of my own vomit following a late and convivial evening with theologian friends, I pick up my battered mitre. 

I return to my quarters for an early breakfast of toast and hair of the dog. There, I read that the noted billionaire Elon Musk has purchased Twitter. He hopes to preserve ‘freedom of speech’ on the platform.

Christ’s stinking loincloth, it took me a fucking year to realise you were a real person and not a fucking Poundland aftershave brand and now this? END WORLD HUNGER, YOU CUNT! You’re sitting there like a fucking anus-faced goblin on a mountain of cash and you end up buying the world’s biggest fucking sewer because the stench of it isn’t fucking strong enough for your liking? Freedom of speech my fucking hemorrhoids, you wouldn’t know freedom of speech if it stabbed you in the scrotum with a Stanley knife, you’re just the world’s most atrocious, attention-seeking arsehole in perpetual need of a giant fucking nipple to suck on. END WORLD HUNGER!

Nadine Dorries was among those who sent a message of support to Angela Rayner following accusations that she had attempted to distract the Prime Minister in parliament by crossing and uncrossing her legs. Her message of support was identical, word for word, to that of Boris Johnson.

You know, as an archbishop, I come across a great many people from all walks of life. I have become, I like to think, conversant with the ways, the foibles of the human animal. Reflecting thus, I have come to the conclusion that Nadine Morris is, to paraphrase Thomas Aquinas, as thick as a bull elephant’s turd! Any normal person caught pulling the embarrassing bollocks you pull on a daily basis would have dug a giant fucking hole and thrown themselves in it out of sheer fucking mortification! But not you, eh, inebriated on your own fucking malicious idiocy and fuck-me-please sycophancy to that lump of cunt Johnson!

The Labour Party have warned in a leaflet that the Liberal Democrats plan to decriminalise drugs, a policy which would lead inevitably to the legalisation of drugs.

They are? Well, thanks for the tip-off, I’ll go fucking vote for them! A fucking 12-year-old schoolkid could out-debate you on the fucking hypocrisy of criminalising drugs while keeping booze legal but no, you keep fucking pawing at the flies of the imaginary Alf Garnett in your head you think you need to win over, trying to suck his wrinkled white cock! 

Finally, I will be obliged to rewrite my sermon this weekend upon hearing the news that James Corden is to leave CBS’s The Late Late Show.

Great. Any chance of leaving the fucking solar system while you’re at it? Seems fucking weird to me that they can’t dredge up the remains of the Titanic from the bottom of the ocean but a colossal, revolting, semi-shaven fucking lump of kiss-up, kick-down, self-satisfied, voraciously talentless piggy-eyed, piggy-arsed deadweight like you can somehow rise to the fucking surface, rather than languish on the fucking bed of the sea of shit where you belong? Now stand up, let’s sing some fucking hymns then we can all piss off down the fucking pub!