Aries, March 21st–April 19th
People who like barn conversions are very easily impressed. They’re always converted into a house. Convert one into something difficult, like a car or a 60,000 seater stadium.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
The Lake District’s full of fucking mountains. Well that’s false advertising for a start.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Remember how nervous you felt when you got down on one knee and asked your long-term girlfriend to drive you to HMV to return the Superbad DVD she’d bought you that you already had?
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
A horse walks into a nightclub. A hot sexy filly with false eyelashes in revealing clothing, otherwise the bouncers wouldn’t have let it in.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Remember before Netflix and PlayStation, when we used to stay out until it got dark climbing trees? It sucked so bad.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Plumbers and electricians, one with pipes of water, one with wires of power: put them together and your whole house is fatal. They must be natural enemies.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Simply Red, The Lighthouse Family and Michael Bublé. This is the UK’s hottest music mix?
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Can you solve the infamous cold case of where the fuck your dad put the Allen key that he needed to put together that Ikea wardrobe in 1999?
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
If you showed a guy from the Middle Ages a smartphone he wouldn’t die instantly of shock. He’d probably just ask you to look up pictures of falcons or something.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Don’t play with Ouija boards, they make terrible frisbees.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Everyone else in the entire world: contactless. Parking meters only: Wave & Pay.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Maybe Ben Affleck dumped Jennifer Lopez because he was like ‘You know what? I’ve decided I want to shag other women for say, 17 years’ and she was like ‘That’s fair. See you in 2021.’