Aries, March 21st–April 19th
All this really drives home that Charles isn’t even going to manage a Silver Jubilee, doesn’t it? Poor prick will be lucky to make Tin.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Bunting is probably the rudest sounding way to say little flags. ‘Bunting.’ Your mum says it instead of swearing.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
In Event Of Emergency, Don’t Stand Here Reading This Fucking Sign.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings. There are angels with as many as 24 sets of wings because of the number of takeaways you order.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Frozen peas have all the nutrients of fresh ones, plus you can kill a bird with them.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Realistically the queen will only go platinum once. But Master P has gone platinum six times, so who should really be on the back of the twenty quid note?
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
In the next Terminator movie he’s just settled down. Met a nice biker dude, they run a classic car garage, the two of them sit holding hands in a swing on the Monterey coast.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Sunset are beautiful, but does it really have to take all fucking day to get to one?
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Cats start with nine lives, but can get more by collecting 100 coins.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
You’re just doing it for the ‘gram. But in your case the ‘doing it’ is being spitroasted, and the ‘gram’ is a small amount of heavily stepped-on cocaine.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
James Bond reads the letter and his eyes narrow to angry slits. ‘You have contracted a sexually transmitted infection. You have a duty to inform all partners of the last 12 months.’
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You’re such a boring boyfriend you’d give Taylor Swift writers’ block.
