Aries, March 21st–April 19th
This heat is truly unbearable. Thank God you’re on holiday in Portugal next week.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Weird that going to the office is described as the ‘rat race’ because an actual rat race would be far more entertaining.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Images from the James Webb Space Telescope mean we can now provide a horoscope from 16.2 billion years ago. And it’s ‘A chance encounter could lead to financial success, but beware of false promises.’
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
A bird in the hand is worth two on Tinder.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
In the critically-panned Welsh remake of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Nerys Bueller takes the day off to pull a wheeled suitcase round Llandrindod Wells.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Did Viking nans have little commemorative plates of King Harald up on their walls?
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
A misunderstanding leads you to go crabbing off Weymouth seafront by dangling your genitals in the sea, with fantastic results.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Those hooks at the side of swimming baths are to pull kids off when the crowd is jeering.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
It’s lucky Tamagotchis scream at a level inaudible to humans, because they’re in constant agony.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Town names that have ‘cum’ in the middle are home to aristocratic sex rings. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
It would be cool if all shoes were named after the sound they make, like flip-flops. Boots would be called clumps or schlorps. High heels would be tick-ticks. Tap shoes would be unchanged.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Maybelline’s latest lipstick shade – Open Offal Wagon – hasn’t sold as well as you’d expect.
