Trainspotting: A wee bit overrated, ken?

TRAINSPOTTING the movie was a phenomenon, selling posters, soundtracks and Irvine Welsh DJing in clubs. But was it any fuckn good, aye? 

The worst toilet in Scotland

Renton’s forced to use a vile bookie’s toilet, though with grey shit, loses his suppositories and dives into an undersea world. What was director Danny Boyle’s point in including this jarring aquatic fantasia? What was it saying, symbolically? Was the deep artistic reason that it looked cool?

The baby

Okay, nobody was watching Trainspotting for Jurassic Park-standard effects, but your most enduring memory of the movie is quite likely a very fake baby moving along a badly-concealed track in the ceiling. Top tip: darkest nightmares are more effective if they aren’t hilarious.

The dialogue can be a problem

The nightclub scene where all the dialogue’s subtitled? For some viewers, especially Southerners and Americans, it would have helped if that were the entire film. Understanding powerfully vernacular Scottish can be a stretch.

Definitely choose heroin

It was claimed at the time the film would encourage heroin use. Bollocks. The audience was all on E. But it does suggest smack as a fantastic lifestyle choice, allowing Renton to cement lifelong friendships, shag Kelly Macdonald, and look cool in snakeskin print jeans rather than an utter cock.

There’s no plot

The lives of heroin addicts are rather plotless. There’s no holy quest for an object, except for smack every single day. But still you’ve got a film where essentially nothing happens until Tommy dies and everyone lucks into a fortuitous drug deal right at the very end.

The maths at the end

Renton steals £16,000 from his mates, gives Spud £4,000, and legs it to Amsterdam. Even in the 90s the cost of travel, hotels, a flat in Amsterdam etcetera would very soon leave him with piss-all. If they’d trebled the sum it wouldn’t have been troubling us to this day. And if you’re looking to get off the smack, why Amsterdam? Instead of, say, Zurich?

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How to get the best combo in the Boots Meal Deal, with Chris Hemsworth

WHEN Chris Hemsworth is filming movies like the worst Thor one in Britain, he heads to Boots for lunch just like any office worker. He explains how he gets value out of his Meal Deal. 

Take your time

Believe it or not, there are seven million possible Meal Deal combinations so don’t rush into this. Remember, it’s costing you at least £3.59. Walk the aisle. Ignore requests for selfies by explaining you’re focusing on your Meal Deal right now. And always, always pick your main first and build around it.

Think about the meal as a whole

Meditate and picture your whole meal. Have you combined a bland main with a bland snack? Is a vegan Southern Fried Wrap going to be outshone by Sweet Chilli Kettle Chips? Will a Shaken Udder Strawberries & Cream shake be too much? Visualise. Picture, then buy.

Ask the staff

If you’re in the area, which I was to film some bullshit commercial for Dubai I got paid millions for, then Carole of the Dagenham branch is a Meal Deal sensei. She’ll chat to you about something seemingly unrelated then bam – out of nowhere she’s recommending the Roast Chicken and Bacon sandwich with salt & vinegar Hippeas and Smart Water. She’s never wrong. If I ever win an Oscar I’ll thank her first.

Don’t fill up on the fizzy

They’re refreshing, but fizzy drinks are the enemy of a successful meal deal. Always choose a still drink. The last thing an experienced Meal Dealer wants is to realise halfway through their Shapers Prawn Cocktail Layered Pasta Salad they’re too gassy for their Quavers. It’s a marathon not a sprint.


When I was filming the first Thor movie, I’d snack all day. Ken Branagh had to sit me down and say ‘Chris, we’re blowing the budget. The whole production could get shut down. Have you tried a Boots Meal Deal?’ Changed my life, dude. There’s no shame in going for the best possible saving, and currently that’s a Chicken Sandwich Triple Pack, Trek Protein Bar and Naked Smoothie. Unbeatable.

Be watchful

Not all items are eligible, and the last thing you want is to get to the checkout with a rogue snack pot and be forced back to the chillers looking a dick. Or worse, you’ll pay full for your main, drink and snack because you got sloppy. This happened when I was in London filming Men in Black: International and I’m pretty sure it’s why it was a worldwide flop. I was so pissed about the Advantage Points I’d missed I couldn’t be bothered to act.