Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Inspired by Mrs Doubtfire, Dominic Raab has disguised himself as an elderly Scottish woman to become deputy prime minister again. And it’s working.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Why do rave flyers always put the DJ’s country of origin? It’s not as like there’s more than one DJ Marcus Pissypants (UK).

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Your star sign is being made redundant. Clear your desk and be out by the end of the day.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Half these people in baseball caps wouldn’t even be able to tell you the winner of the 1951 World Series. Fucking posers.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

My God. That cloud is shaped exactly like that other cloud you saw in 2009.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You never caught the end of Super Size Me, so you’re still not sure if eating McDonalds for every single meal is bad for you.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Marie Antoinette never said ‘let them eat cake’. She said ‘tell the peasants to fuck off, from me’.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

A lot of people seem to choose climbing Everest as their hill to die on.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You cry whenever you cut onions. You also cry whenever you cut carrots, but that’s because you wish they’d been allowed to live out their natural lives buried in mud.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

They’re making an all-female Mario Brothers movie and the leads are going to be called Marion and Louisa. They’re not, but you believed it, didn’t you. Because of wokeness.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

This period between the Easter bank holidays and the May bank holiday is always awkward, when your boss expects you to work.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Oh no! You lost your 140-day wanking streak!

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that bullying bellend Raab hitting the bricks

WAKING on a children’s roundabout liberally bedecked in blood, I rotate calmly while recalling the events that led me to my present pass. 

Invited to read to children at a Bermondsey primary school, I was spotted while mid-way through Snickers, The Curious Goat by a group of fascist gentlemen whose lamentable ignorance of ecclesiastical clothing led them to believe I was some manner of drag act.

They attempted to assail me, whereupon I successfully repelled them with my crozier, forehead, knees and ringed fists. As the children cheered I accepted a small sherry to calm my nerves, following which it seems I felt it expedient to drain the cask.

Events thereafter are blurred, but I am confident the children found the display instructive of Christian morality. I hasten home, where I read that Dominic Raab has resigned following a damning report on his intimidating and aggressive manner in government meetings.

Roast my hamsters on a shitty stick, what the fuck are you gonna do now, Raab? Leave politics and get work as a professional bully? I’d fucking draw up a chair to watch that! You working for some dodgy underworld crook turning up on the doorstep of some geezer with a drug debt? ‘Look here, if you don’t hand over the money right now I’ll address you in a derisive and humiliating manner in front of your peers and colleagues! You ruddy well see if I don’t!’ You wouldn’t last five fucking minutes, you chinless cunt!

Fox News has paid $785.5 million to election technology company Dominion to settle legal action over accusations that they spread false claims about the 2020 American election outcome.

Piss blood into a duckpond, you absolute fucking spoilsports! You had that reptilian cunt Murdoch over a fucking barrel! You could have dragged him into court and given us the pleasure of watching him slither and squirm, shifting in his seat as his ancient arse got itchier and sweatier under fucking duress, giving him the most uncomfortable hours of his protracted hell-deferring life! We could have watched as he melted away before the world’s eyes into a puddle of green ooze with a pair of spectacles atop! And you took the fucking money like the twats you are!

Concert ticket scams have soared over the last year as criminals target fans of leading acts including Lewis Capaldi.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again – a Lewis Capaldi fan and his money are soon fucking parted! Who the fuck would demand anything less than a hefty fee to go see Lewis Capaldi in a giant bowl of mediocrity-addicted idiots? Why go see Lewis Capaldi when you could just stare at your fucking thumb for two hours straight? I’d rather chew dry shit from the ringpiece of a wombat than go see Lewis fucking Capaldi! Seriously, I’d rather go to fucking church than go see Lewis cunting Capaldi! These scamsters are doing God’s work!

Finally, the King has been in the news this week in his capacity as private landlord. One of his tenants spoke of her pride at living in his property and the money she has ploughed into renovating it. ‘I’m hoping they appreciate all the money I’ve spent,’ she said.

Do they fuck, you grovelling mug! To the Royals you’re one more peasant to be fleeced for every last bit of pittance, demanding you bow and scrape and exit the room backwards as they fucking do so! It’s airheaded sycophants like you that let them get away with it! Let Charles install his own fucking shower in his own fucking property! Come round with his spanner in his blue overalls and do the job himself like any other tight bastard landlord! Prick!