Aries, March 21st–April 19th
You still have to get a chair from the kitchen, stand on it, unscrew the old one then put the new one in. These so-called energy-saving lightbulbs are a load of bollocks.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Young people say Ross from Friends is ‘problematic’, but you know who was more problematic in the 90s? Hannibal Lecter.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
‘Fuck it,’ barks a desperate streaming executive, ‘everything else has been done. I’m greenlighting a £200m PG Tips Chimps movie.’
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
People say ‘it’s like riding a bike’ for something they can never forget, but you say ’it’s like that time I saw dad hanging out the back of mum.’
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
All the world’s a stage – except Swindon, which is too much of a shithole.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
I dreamt of a continental singing contest, cheap and swollen with pageantry. Thank God no such thing exists. Now to check the television listings from last night.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Narrow your focus by switching to reading this horoscope on your phone. Widen your horizons by going back to the laptop.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. But be prepared for lengthy explanations when it’s ‘horse breeder’.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Now that she’s Queen, Camilla will be moving forwards, backwards and diagonally. She learnt the Cha Cha Slide for the Coronation concert.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
A ball pool would make a good metaphor for phyicists. ‘Imagine diving into an infinite ball pool,’ that kind of shit. You don’t know what it could explain, that’s their job.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Monster drinkers must be so ashamed when they see a man proudly bearing a can of Red Bull. It’s like a street drinker seeing a couple sipping wine.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Back in school you told a dinner lady to ‘go away’. She still thinks about that every night. Cries herself to sleep, poor woman.
