Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Ironically, a king-sized bed wouldn’t have been big enough for fat Elvis.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You start to give a blowjob with a penny in your mouth then realise wait, that’s breathalysers.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

He’s tall, aristocratic, learned, has a stupid fucking name and looks like if the Saw puppet went to Harrow. I didn’t say his name but he popped into your head, didn’t he?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Despite their name, Papa John’s really don’t like it when you call and ask for ‘A Hawaiian pizza please, daddy’.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

They’re not allowing time off for the male menopause now. I suppose I’ll just go bald while riding a Harley at weekends, should I?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Gandhi was once asked what he thought of Porno for Pyros. He replied ‘I think it would be a good idea.’

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You say you and your dad aren’t ‘close’ but you’re closer than, say, you and Kim Jong Un.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

In the 00s, we could only send anonymous dick pics via disposable cameras on tables at weddings.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

I’ve got an XS Bully. He’s the size of a mouse. He’s great with the ants next door. Wouldn’t hurt a flea.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Bloody rude of Anya Taylor-Joy, getting married when we’ve only just heard of her.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Teenagers: don’t use costly breath mints to disguise the smell of alcohol. Simply drink crème de menthe.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You’ve been drinking Capri Suns all wrong. You’re supposed to put them upside down on a stand and insert the straw into a vein in your arm.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the cock-chugging of David Beckham

WAKING in Manchester with my mouth dry and my hands conspiciously bloodied, I recall with a smile the fretful events that lead me here. 

I had travelled to the Conservative Party Conference to deliver a speech at a fringe meeting, informally titled ‘Shape Up, You Fascist Wankers’, which had been taken extremely well.

Heading home in my Archbishop’s garb, I came across a gang of Tory conference goers who had just emerged from the prime minister’s speech, rowdy, fired-up, and tearing off their shirts.

‘There’s one!’ their leader shouted. ‘He’s wearing a dress! He’s trying to get into a women’s hospital ward! Get him!’ They tore toward me, foaming at the mouth, chanting ‘Grooom-ah! Grooom-ah!’ most intimidatingly when I turned tail and ran.

Passing a butcher, I remembered the curious phrase ‘throwing red meat to the base’ and considered that, given my plight, it was worth a try. Scooping up raw steak I flung it onto the pavement before the closing throng and sure enough, like a herd of famished lions, they seized upon the meat, forgetting about me, fighting among themselves.

That, and my subsequent knife-fight in a lift with Michael Gove, explains the blood. With a wry smile, I read that at the same conference Penny Mordaunt exhorted the faithful to ‘stand up and fight’ more than a dozen times.

Mother Mary on a fucking e-scooter, what the fuck was that about? Fight? Fight who? What? Each other? Shapps and Hunt hurling themselves at each other in loincloths? It’d help if you’d given us the faintest hint as to what in holy fucking shit you were on about! Fight for what? Against what? That was the perfect fucking speech for a party who’ve had their collective brains, already shrivelled to the size of a baby artichoke, evacuated by the hot jetwash of their own incoherent far-right rhetoric! You’ve fuck all to say and fuck all to do for the country now that you’ve pretty much stripped it to the fucking bone! You’re reduced to the level of David Brent goosestepping about doing a Basil Fawlty impression! Just absolutely fuck right off to extinction!

David Beckham hit back at critics of his ambassadorial role at the Qatar World Cup, claiming the LBGTQ+ community had never felt safer at a tournament while fellow former Red Jordan Henderson, now playing in Saudi Arabia, backed the country’s bid for the 2034 World Cup.

Fuck me, a right pair of PC goody-fucking-two-boots you pair used to be – rainbow bootlaces, queer allyship, the lot. Now look at the state of you! Why didn’t you tell us you were so hard up you were forced to shill for Middle Eastern dictatorships? We’d have had a fucking whip round! LBGTQ+ community safe in Qatar, my fucking scrotum! Sure, they’ll be having a Pride demo next year. pink hot pants, the lot! As for you, Henderson, the 2034 World Cup? Unless the Saudis let up on ravaging the climate in their lust for petrodollars, there isn’t gonna be a fucking 2034!

A concert residency by the Irish rock band U2 has begun at the high-tech Sphere at the Venetian Resort in Paradise, Nevada, in the Las Vegas Valley.

I’d rather have my ringpiece hand-removed without aesthetic by a gorilla with less than adequate surgical training and made to swallow it than spend a nanosecond in this colossal, conceited monument to rock ego placed in the most culturally-parched region on the fucking planet! An enormodome for social media-addled twats who prefer not to actually watch the event they’ve paid to see, instead holding up their fucking phones to catch it later! A folly visible from outer space as a reminder to passing alien civilisations not to bother landing on this cunt-infested planet!

Finally, on the Today Podcast after Nick Robinson enthused about about the millions Sunak had made in business, Amol Rajan added ‘The key to understanding [Sunak] is that he is an investor.’

God’s planet-sized bollocks, would you pair of smug, gleeful, gurgling, gullible, power-worshipping hacks with your little monkey hard-ons about access to Downing Street give it a fucking rest? Yeah, fucking right he’s an ‘investor’; a pathological opportunist and the last cunt you want running a fucking economy! Do you think a jumped-up shark like Sunak gives a shit about welfare, the environment, protection of minorities and all the other basic duties of care a government has to his people? Evidently fucking not! So spare us the chumminess and do your fucking jobs!