Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Amazing that from one series of Big Brother we got radio DJs Kate Lawler and Adele Roberts, and Alison Hammond. Shows that celebrities really are any twat off the street.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Bet you always choose the dog when you play Monopoly. Or failing that, the hat. Wait, you’re not a battleship wanker, are you?
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
“Could the owners of white Audi Q4s please return to the car park to bond with each other about your penile inadequacies. Thank you very much.”
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Skip Vegas and get a quickie wedding done at a motorway service station’s mini casino.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Heidi Klum dressed up as a peacock for Halloween. Not the shit brown female kind though.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
‘And this is our games room,’ says your host, before opening the door to a small, dank room under the stairs where former platinum-selling rapper The Game now lives.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Your MOT is due. Probably didn’t think the stars would know that but Venus isn’t swinging into opposition with Neptune for the good of its f**king health.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
You can visit Dobby’s Grave in Pembrokeshire. And if you’re that kind of person, might as well jizz on it while you’re there.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
What does Sunak think is going to turn up to change the Tories’ fortunes? The discovery of enormous untapped whisky and blowjob reserves under Wiltshire?
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
James Watt claimed to have invented the steam engine while watching a kettle boil. But a watched kettle never boils, so this is another Scots lie.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Fucked up that everyone now has a box of Halloween decorations in the loft next to the Christmas ones.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You should never put the horse before the cart except in the word ‘carthorse’, which admittedly confuses things a little.