Aries, March 21st–April 19th
You stand on public transport even when it’s empty, on the off-chance that an elderly, pregnant, disabled war veteran might get on and need all 40 seats.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
It’s no wonder Billy Corgan titled a Smashing Pumpkins song 1979. In their fourth season and with their first movie released, it really was the Muppets’ key year.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Remembrance, remembrance, the eleventh of Novembrance. Poppies, gammon and gout.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. But mine also fucked others up by running a scout group and choir.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Look, I recognise that MacArthur Park and Marillion’s Sugar Mice are both about leaving sweet comestibles out in the rain, but that’s not enough for a club night.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
God, imagine robot porn. Hammering pistons, squirts of oil, eyes flashing wildly as they climax. I’d watch it.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
One time you held a shell up to your ear to hear the sea and instead heard Peter Andre singing Mysterious Girl in a high falsetto.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
‘Let’s get the train tube to M&Ms World!’ you shout, and six nearby Londoners die of shame.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
You’re a human cannonball… and your wife is a bearded lady! Sounds like the set-up for a joke but it isn’t, just a miserable romance between society’s outsiders.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
‘Too many cooks spoil the broth,’ you said to your wife when she asked for a threesome with you and her personal trainer Dave. It didn’t convince her.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
‘Why don’t people have urinals at home?’ your son asks. Interesting question. Because they’re horrible and piss spatters everywhere, but that only begs a further question.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Good news: you’re getting a blue plaque on your house. Bad news: it’s for Gustav Olaffson, the Swedish inventor of foreplay.