Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You stand on public transport even when it’s empty, on the off-chance that an elderly, pregnant, disabled war veteran might get on and need all 40 seats.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

It’s no wonder Billy Corgan titled a Smashing Pumpkins song 1979. In their fourth season and with their first movie released, it really was the Muppets’ key year.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Remembrance, remembrance, the eleventh of Novembrance. Poppies, gammon and gout.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. But mine also fucked others up by running a scout group and choir.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Look, I recognise that MacArthur Park and Marillion’s Sugar Mice are both about leaving sweet comestibles out in the rain, but that’s not enough for a club night.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

God, imagine robot porn. Hammering pistons, squirts of oil, eyes flashing wildly as they climax. I’d watch it.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

One time you held a shell up to your ear to hear the sea and instead heard Peter Andre singing Mysterious Girl in a high falsetto.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

‘Let’s get the train tube to M&Ms World!’ you shout, and six nearby Londoners die of shame.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’re a human cannonball… and your wife is a bearded lady! Sounds like the set-up for a joke but it isn’t, just a miserable romance between society’s outsiders.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘Too many cooks spoil the broth,’ you said to your wife when she asked for a threesome with you and her personal trainer Dave. It didn’t convince her.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

‘Why don’t people have urinals at home?’ your son asks. Interesting question. Because they’re horrible and piss spatters everywhere, but that only begs a further question.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Good news: you’re getting a blue plaque on your house. Bad news: it’s for Gustav Olaffson, the Swedish inventor of foreplay.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the VARsolery of Mikel Arteta

WAKING slumped against a wall in Lambeth following a late evening fistfight with Gloria Hunniford in which I came off much the worse, I am surprised to hear the rattle of coins. 

Peering at my own chest, I realise there is a small tin containing 27 pence below a cardboard sign, in childish writing, reading ‘PENNY FOR THE GUY’ and my emotions are conflicted.

On the one hand, I am glad that this bonfire night’s tradition has been preserved, and to be 27 pence the richer for it. On the other for the head of the Church of England to be treated as a simulacrum for the Catholic traitor Guy Fawkes is a gross ecclesiastical error punishable by hanging.

I shall certainly be writing to the head of the Board of Education about slipping standards in our schools if this is what things have come to, recounting my story, touching only lightly on the fistfight with Ms Hunniford.

I dust myself down and return to my chambers, where I read that Nadine Dorries’s new book claims that a secret cabal running the Conservative party masterminded the removal of Boris Johnson.

St Peter’s spunk-stained loincloth, that explains the mystery! I’d been completely baffled as to how a truth-telling, competent, non-psychopathic, rule-stickler, non-shambles of a human being like Boris Johnson should have ended up resigning! It couldn’t be any of his flaws because having investigated him internally, from deep inside his fucking arse, Dorries has found none! It must have been the work of some arch-criminal insider, operating from a volcano lair beneath Downing Street! Next up, Nadine, please shed light on the fucking riddle as to why you’re no longer an MP, because there must have been some massive conspiracy that had nothing to do with you being a useless cunt!

Ed Balls and former opponent George Osborne now host a podcast in which they chat jovially about the past with Osborne reminiscing how the Queen persuaded him not to impose cuts on a bagpipe school in the Highlands.

Fuck’s sake! If you pair of twats are being matey, that’s not proof of civility, that’s proof we’re living in a one-party state! You both fuck us, but one fractionally less hard! If we had a serious political system in this country, you pair of arseholes would be fighting like a sackful of coked-up weasels! The podcast would consist of the pair of you beginning with swearing – ‘You leeching Tory cunt!’ ‘You lefty fucking lunatic, come get some!’ – before throwing off your mics and smacking shit out of one another! That’s the fucking podcast we want to hear, fists to the nose and knees to the gonads, not your haw-hawing ’it’s all just a game’ bollocks!

Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta said ‘I’ve been 20 years in this country and now I feel ashamed. It’s a disgrace and there’s too much at stake here,’ referring to a refereeing decision which went against his team.

Read the fucking room, you ridiculous, weird-haired little Action Man lookalike! Not even half the fucking Arsenal fans gives a ground-to-air toss about refereeing decisions right now, given the fucking state of Britain! You’re making yourself a jumped-up, petulant little shit! It’s fucking football! No one dies, everybody goes home a multi-millionaire! Stop whining like a silly little prick! 

Finally, the Government has distanced itself from home secretary Suella Braverman’s criticism of the police and a comparison of Hamas to Northern Ireland’s Orange Order, before she clarified to mean Irish Republicans.

Shit on a knobkerry, how did this evil, thick-as-a-rhino’s-turd piece of work get to to ride around in a fucking ministerial car? The Met too left wing? Sure, and Jim Davidson’s too woke and Boris Johnson’s seriously fucking underweight! I don’t know what mad agenda you’re pursuing, Braverman, and whether your next step is to call for the burning down of orphanages, except you’re obviously trying to get the fucking sack! Is that the plan, then win a leadership battle to lord it over the shrunken rump of headbangers, GB News presenters and senile bigots that will be all that’s left of the Tory party in 2025?