Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You believe you would rebel in a totalitarian society, but you also don’t like upsetting the DuoLingo owl.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The word cunnilingus is, appropriately, a bit of a mouthful.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Orthodox Jews do have objectively excellent fashion sense.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

The feature wall trend began when a man put wallpaper up on one wall then said ‘fuck that’ and painted the rest.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Early for the dentist? Kill 20 minutes eating a full birthday cake and a sleeve of Double Creme Oreos.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Shame they couldn’t bring back one of the popular Doctor Whos.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Sex and the City is so unrealistic. No way could four women be single in their 30s without regular phone calls from concerned relatives.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

I finally watched the Matt Hancock video of him kissing his aide. Tough wank, not impossible.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Today’s special: 20 per cent off everythi

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

I think we can all agree that the real perverts are the ones watching picture-in-picture pornography.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

You arrive in Reykjavik. ‘Björk?’ your cab driver says. ‘No, never heard of her. And she’s saying she’s from here?’

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

What if this actually is my first rodeo?

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that fat-shaming fuckwit Sir Cliff Richard

WAKING in a stupor, struggling to recall what room I am in (my own) and who I am (the Archbishop of Canterbury), I recall last night’s reception at the National Portrait Gallery. 

I had agreed to sit for a portrait by one of Britain’s leading artists, Nicholas Lezarius, as befits a man of my station. It involved a lengthy sitting in my full garb which I must confess felt interminable; hour upon motionless hour passed and I developed a slight thirst.

Finally, understanding how the Mona Lisa felt, I could stand it no longer. I reached into my ecclesiastical holdall, pulled out a litre bottle of rum and chugged in a single draught before casting it aside. Otherwise the sitting passed without incident.

So like the assembled throng of the great and good last night, I gasped when the portrait was unveiled. It depicted me not with the gravitas I expected but swigging thirstily from the aforementioned rum bottle.

I demanded of Lazarius that he explain himself. ‘Your Grace,’ he said, ‘you sat down at 11am. By 11.07am you opened your first bottle and did so at regular 13-minute intervals until the session concluded nine hours later. This is you as I saw you.’

Fortunately, the critics present lavished praise on the portrait, seeing it as an allegory for the stresses on the clergy in fraught times. And so, I take breakfast and read that Sir Cliff Richard told This Morning he refused to have a photo taken with Elvis Presley because The King ‘had put on a lot of weight’.

Fuck me bandy, you rude, scraggy, body-fascist little cunt! You’d never have had your miserably elongated career if it hadn’t been for fucking Elvis, you ungrateful pillar of fossilised knobcheese! Still at least everyone in Britain knows what I and the others who’ve had the misfortunate to endure your fucking company have known for decades:  that you’re a weirdly horrible prick who belongs right next to Cilla Black in the bottom drawer of celebrity loathsomeness! Try having a fucking number one this Christmas, fuckface! You can take your mistletoe and wine and show it half a yard up your fucking sphincter! 

King Charles III has been accused of ‘profiting from the deaths of thousands’, owing to a scheme that allows him to seize the assets of those who die intestate and failing to pass them to charity.

You pilfering piece of shit! We’re just a bunch of peasants as far as you’re concerned, aren’t you? If you had your way we’d all be wearing smocks, lugging rotten turnips across dirtpaths and sleeping in cowshit! At least your fucking mother gave the illusion of being mother of the nation – and let me fucking tell you, illusion it was – but you don’t seem to give a gnat’s toss what cuntocracy you’re running! Still, keep on with this shit and you’ll be Charles the fucking Last!

Matty Healy of The 1975 is smarting at his band’s failure to achieve a Grammy nomination, describing the oversight as an ‘outrage’.

Well, certainly all the outrages being perpetrated in the world right now fade into triviality compared with what Matty Healy has suffered. You arrogant little pisspot of a fucking man! There’s buskers wheezing into harmonicas outside King’s Cross station more deserving of a Grammy than you and your bunch of overproduced, over-entitled, under-talented, cocky-yet-cockless shitehawks!

Finally, it seems that James Cleverly, by some curious oversight our home secretary, was overheard remarking that the constituency of Stockton-on-Tees was a ‘shithole’. He has vigorously denied doing so.

You fucking well don’t get it, do you, cunt? Compounding the fucking felony by lying about it because these days you could be caught on camera wanking during Carols at King’s and still not get sacked? Sure, Stockton almost certainly is a shithole, one of hundreds of near-identical shitholes up and down England except colder. But the reason it’s a shithole is because you and your thieving fucking Tory cronies dug the fucking hole in the first place and have been shitting in it ever since!