Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Once you go black, you never go back. Because that toast is ruined.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Don’t think those grasping Greek bastards will be content with the Elgin Marbles. Next they’ll want the Dundee Power Ball and the Swindon Space Hopper.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Why do women need boyfriends when they can just look on IMDb for quotes from Fight Club and Scarface?
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
A haunted painting of someone who reaches out of the frame menacingly makes a great gift for film viewers who can’t see things coming a mile off.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
They say the most exciting part of a crush is wondering if the person loves you back. Apart from them escaping from the basement while you’re at work.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
This week you’ll see someone who normally wears glasses without them on and their face will look oddly naked. That’s their bedtime face, so it’s a bit like you’ve had sex. (Under no circumstances attempt to explain this to them.)
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
If a recipe asks you to simmer for 20 minutes, just think about Michelle Mone getting £29 million for fuck all while you couldn’t go to the pub during lockdown.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Destiny sees a stranger in sneakers trying to convince you Shakespeare was black. Doctor Who, 6.30pm, Saturday, BBC1.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Your cat only likes snuggling up to you so that if you die it will have prime face-eating access.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Don’t be outdone by your neighbour’s inflatable snowman by genetically engineering real elves from the DNA of cheerful short people and chaining them to posts in your garden. Remember to kill them by 6th January though or it’s bad luck.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Rocky’s less-mentioned personal struggle is having a girlfriend with the same name as Adrian Chiles. That can’t have been easy during sex.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You share a star sign with Dukes of Hazzard hottie Catherine Bach, but as a 53-year-old male plumber those hot pants aren’t doing you any favours.