You're never too porky to hide the sausage: The unhealthy person's guide to mindblowing sex

THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut. 

But us mere mortals with zero interest in self-care and a healthy appetite for large bags of Doritos at midnight need sex too. And in fact we’re pretty good at it. Here’s why.

Larger people last longer

You think all those little sparrow-people have got the energy for a full five minutes of missionary AND a full 30 seconds of reverse cowgirl like you? There’s no way a couple of pumpkin seeds and a swig of spinach juice would be enough to get you through a lovemaking session of that intensity. So plonk yourself down in front of Grand Designs with a jar of Nutella and a spoon and remember: fat stores are important in the sack.

‘Chunky’ people know how to have a good time

That’s the stereotype anyway – you’re jolly, like Hobbits. If you’re a normal size, without sky-high levels of attractiveness to make constant shagging more likely, you can make the most of the other things that come with a relationship. Admittedly that’s mainly ‘eating food’, but there’s also arguing and fighting to find a TV show that won’t bore your true love shitless. It’s so much more healthy and balanced.

‘Well covered’ people can let go

Slim people only look like that because they’re deranged narcissists obsessed with exercise. They can’t kick back and enjoy sex in the way those of us who don’t give a shit about our extra padding can. As they bend and thrust, they’re paranoid their thighs or breasts are wobbling about instead of being rock hard like the pecs of a US Navy SEAL. However you can let go and indulge your sexual fantasies, or just think about what’s in the fridge you can eat after.

Plumper people have a comfier time of it

Meatier bods provide plenty to grab onto during sex, although the irresistibility of love handles may only exist in men’s minds. More importantly, a bit of flab is crucial for more ambitious moves, such as an anniversary-sex 69 or even simple doggy on a tiled kitchen floor. It’s uncomfortable enough as it is, so with a load of jutting bones in the mix it would be like shagging a Ray Harryhausen skeleton. Embrace your body and go for it, nobody’s looking! (Assuming you’ve got your laptop closed, your phone on plane mode and internet rumours about cats having cameras for eyes aren’t true.)

‘Big boned’ people make each other feel good

The important thing isn’t getting in shape, it’s getting a partner who’s the same size as you. No need to feel guilty about that fourth cheese meal at midnight when their cholesterol levels are even higher than yours. Go ahead and become each other’s enabler – it’s clearly helping your sex life, apart from the biscuit crumbs, dried-up noodles and the odd chicken wing in the bed.

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How I'm going to spunk my 1,400 Nectar points. By Colin Farrell

AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.

An affordable bottle of wine

Now you might think I’m a hard-drinking Guinness or whisky boy – and I have been known to partake. I often have half a Guinness, when my personal trainer allows it, and if I do 1,000 sit-ups the next day. But my real tipple is actually rose. Which, as we all know, is red wine and white wine mixed together. Seven quid should get me a cheeky Jacob’s Creek. Lush.

Watching my own films

You don’t just have to spend Nectar points in a supermarket. You can use them in Vue Cinemas to see amazing films like The Banshees of Inisherin, starring me. You’d prefer to see the new Halloween movie instead? Fine. Like I give a shite. I’m already loaded. 

Four Warburtons Toastie loaves

My mum doesn’t let me buy Warburtons usually, but it’s my money so I’ll do what I like with it. These retail at 90p so I could get 7.7 of the fuckers, but I’ll spend the difference on cheapo ham and cheese and have an afternoon yamming down toasties until I puke or pass out. Who’s going to stop me? I’m Colin Farrell and I’ve got £7 in loyalty points, muthafuckas.

Shitloads from the discount shelf

Another option is to loiter until Sainsbury’s is about to close and load up on heavily discounted stuff from that grim bit at the bottom of the fridges. It’s pot luck but if things work out I could end up with some reduced fat hummus, slightly greying mince and a cut-price BLT. Plus if I dent a couple of cans of lager on purpose, I’ll have some ale to wash it all down with. Sweet.

A reasonably-priced hardback

All supermarkets have deals on books where they practically give them away, so I might get the new Richard Osman one. I have a lot of downtime on set so when I’m not brooding, being handsome or trying to shag my co-stars, what better than his witty and accessible crime capers? You don’t see Bradley Walsh doing that now, do ya? He’s just not in the same league.

Going on holiday

You can spend Nectar points on Eurostar tickets, although £7 wouldn’t get you into the fucking chunnel, never mind France. And if I want two weeks in Majorca I’ll need to collect points for the next 700 years. Bit of a con, these Nectar points, now I think about it.