THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut.
But us mere mortals with zero interest in self-care and a healthy appetite for large bags of Doritos at midnight need sex too. And in fact we’re pretty good at it. Here’s why.
Larger people last longer
You think all those little sparrow-people have got the energy for a full five minutes of missionary AND a full 30 seconds of reverse cowgirl like you? There’s no way a couple of pumpkin seeds and a swig of spinach juice would be enough to get you through a lovemaking session of that intensity. So plonk yourself down in front of Grand Designs with a jar of Nutella and a spoon and remember: fat stores are important in the sack.
‘Chunky’ people know how to have a good time
That’s the stereotype anyway – you’re jolly, like Hobbits. If you’re a normal size, without sky-high levels of attractiveness to make constant shagging more likely, you can make the most of the other things that come with a relationship. Admittedly that’s mainly ‘eating food’, but there’s also arguing and fighting to find a TV show that won’t bore your true love shitless. It’s so much more healthy and balanced.
‘Well covered’ people can let go
Slim people only look like that because they’re deranged narcissists obsessed with exercise. They can’t kick back and enjoy sex in the way those of us who don’t give a shit about our extra padding can. As they bend and thrust, they’re paranoid their thighs or breasts are wobbling about instead of being rock hard like the pecs of a US Navy SEAL. However you can let go and indulge your sexual fantasies, or just think about what’s in the fridge you can eat after.
Plumper people have a comfier time of it
Meatier bods provide plenty to grab onto during sex, although the irresistibility of love handles may only exist in men’s minds. More importantly, a bit of flab is crucial for more ambitious moves, such as an anniversary-sex 69 or even simple doggy on a tiled kitchen floor. It’s uncomfortable enough as it is, so with a load of jutting bones in the mix it would be like shagging a Ray Harryhausen skeleton. Embrace your body and go for it, nobody’s looking! (Assuming you’ve got your laptop closed, your phone on plane mode and internet rumours about cats having cameras for eyes aren’t true.)
‘Big boned’ people make each other feel good
The important thing isn’t getting in shape, it’s getting a partner who’s the same size as you. No need to feel guilty about that fourth cheese meal at midnight when their cholesterol levels are even higher than yours. Go ahead and become each other’s enabler – it’s clearly helping your sex life, apart from the biscuit crumbs, dried-up noodles and the odd chicken wing in the bed.