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WAKING with a mouth drier than the remains of Mother Teresa, I blink and see several colleagues and friends, including the Bishops of Durham and York, at my bedside.

‘ISRAEL wins, whether against Hamas, Egypt, Lebanon or Britain,’ says Netanyahu. ‘Let’s reframe Britain’s contribution positively,’ I say.

THE sea’s full of weird shit. That doesn’t mean you have to eat it, and somebody should tell the Spaniards that.

WHAT do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A misbegotten monstrosity begging to die, and that’s what you’ll look like in this season’s woolly jumpers!

I can’t help think life would be better if I had a legion of devoted followers, a harem and everyone gave me all their money.

‘Don’t feel pressured to have double-height atriums, open stairwells and floor-to-ceiling windows just because Kevin McCloud wants you to,’ I tell my six-year-old son.

WAKING with a head that feels somewhat like it has been stuffed forcibly with the corpse of Larry the Downing Street cat, I find myself harking back to my younger days.

NEW This Morning hosts? One old and objectionable, the other young and blonde with a brilliant smile? I know just the couple.

HIP HOP star Drake, fresh from releasing new album For All The Dogs, has announced he is quitting music to spend 12 months in Center Parcs Sherwood Forest.

THE Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was an unparalleled gaming masterpiece never to be repeated, until the sequel. In retrospect was it actually shit?