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WAKING slumped against a wall in Lambeth following a late evening fistfight with Gloria Hunniford in which I came off much the worse, I am surprised to hear the rattle of coins.

MESSIANIC delusions I’m fine with – this time last week, I was hanging with Elon – but surely you need more of a record of achievement than Suella’s got.

WAS there a Britain before there was a Wetherspoons? Technically yes, because it was only founded in 1979 and fucked if I remember it before ’92. Spiritually? No.

AT the weekend, the UK once again remembered Guy Fawkes by creating him in effigy and burning him atop bonfires which also badly scorch the neighbours’ fence and shed.

CAN Charlotte, aged 29, find a future with Josh, aged 28? Or, as our waiters suspect, have they actually been a couple for years and are gaming the system?

James Watt claimed to have invented the steam engine while watching a kettle boil. But a watched kettle never boils, so this is another Scots lie.

WAKING with a start, I find myself seated in a large wood-panelled room, surrounded by row after row of grave-looking men and women.

A GLITTERING array of world leaders have flown in for my AI conference. X-Man Elon Musk, the US vice-president you see so little of and a woman from the EU I hate.

AFTER a controversial win over an MMA fighter last weekend, The Gypsy King has turned his thoughts to the next non-boxer he’d happily take on in the ring for £50 million.

I’ve always loved your shows, especially the bits where through careful editing and narration you grow to love a violent animal, and root for it to maul a zebra to death to feed its bloodthirsty young.