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WAKING up with a dry feeling in my mouth, as if having eaten a pair of corduroy trousers, I sweep aside the empty bottles atop my duvet and recall the events of the past few days.

NADINE Dorries has put her pen to work writing a novel about the downfall of her friend, hero and erotic obsession Boris Johnson. These are the good bits.

CINEASTE Martin Scorsese has enthralled critics, and very occasionally audiences, for 50 years. But is his oeuvre the same old crap about the Mafia again and again?

It was alright until that floppy-haired twat showed up. A textbook example of gentrification, Notting Hill cast off its regrettable reputation as down-at-heel to become a broadly affordable gem.

WANT to rawdog without the health risk of taking the pill or the greater health risk of childbirth? Then it’s time for him to step up and get neutered.

THEY say it’s always the one you least suspect. So it looks like the BBC photos scandal presenter is Konnie Huq.

WAKING up with just the faintest hint of a morning head, I sweep aside the array of empty rum bottles on my bed and reach for my mobile telephone. Clicking on ‘Twitter’, I notice that I am, to use the parlance, ‘trending’.

PINCHER’S arrived at Downing Street, 12 months after bringing down a prime minister. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘I deserve credit for that.’

ONCE a year even I say it: bollocks to Britain. Much as I love living in the greatest country in the world, even I need a break sometimes.

AS the all-time record Grand Slam winner, Novak Djokovic can believe whatever he likes without fear of contradiction. These are his go-to conspiracies.