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Boobs: which ones are best for sex?

MIND-BOGGLING as it is to contemplate, there is a greater variety of size, shape and flavour of boobs than there are of crisps.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

DON'T be tempted to experiment with a Ouija board this Halloween. You’re already a gullible bastard who believes in horoscopes so there's no need to advertise it.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… why Julia Hartley-Brewer's global warming bollocks can f**k right off

AS I come to, I realise a cat is in the middle of a bowel movement, excreting directly into my ear canal. I attended a drinks reception at Downing Street last night and must have fallen asleep in Larry’s litter tray.

A confused Millennial tries to… play 1980s home computer games

I THOUGHT only my generation had computer games, in the same way my parents didn’t have streaming or the internet, just wooden spinning tops to entertain them during the war.

Let’s move to… a place so dull that being murdered by Vikings made a pleasant change. This week: Durham

INOFFENSIVE, picturesque Durham. Without the fun factor of Newcastle or the ruggedness of Darlington, this medieval site instead thrives on inane wankiness, claiming to have its own shade of purple.

You're never too porky to hide the sausage: The unhealthy person's guide to mindblowing sex

THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut. 

How I'm going to spunk my 1,400 Nectar points. By Colin Farrell

AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

They say cocks come in all shapes and sizes but that’s not true. No-one’s ever seen one the shape and size of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the door hitting Liz Truss's arse on the way out

WAKING in my own bed, head clear, having turned in at 10pm, the chirruping of the birds a serene herald to a most clement morning, I an glad of my decision to have a ‘dry night’.

How to come down from the news by going on a coke-fuelled bender

WORN out by the ever-heightening drama of British news? Want to return to solid ground gently? Wind down with these comparatively relaxing activities.