Suella Braverman speaks for those who want to see the Channel foaming with blood – that's why the elites despise her

AN English beach, the surf crimson. RAF gunships sinking distant boats. A one-way plane to Rwanda awaiting any survivors. Doesn’t it gladden the heart?

The Dark Knight: the greatest superhero movie ever or bat-bollocks?

BATMAN movies keep coming, ever-darker, ever-ignoring that bats aren’t scary even post-Wuhan. Is 2008’s The Dark Knight the best one ever, or crap?

Let's move to the West Midlands town where glassblowing and Grebo came from! This week: Stourbridge

ON the fringes of, but thankfully not part of, the blighted industrial wasteland of the Black Country, Stourbridge has but two claims to fame – glassblowing and late 80s indie.

Boobs: which ones are best for sex?

MIND-BOGGLING as it is to contemplate, there is a greater variety of size, shape and flavour of boobs than there are of crisps.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

DON'T be tempted to experiment with a Ouija board this Halloween. You’re already a gullible bastard who believes in horoscopes so there's no need to advertise it.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… why Julia Hartley-Brewer's global warming bollocks can f**k right off

AS I come to, I realise a cat is in the middle of a bowel movement, excreting directly into my ear canal. I attended a drinks reception at Downing Street last night and must have fallen asleep in Larry’s litter tray.

A confused Millennial tries to… play 1980s home computer games

I THOUGHT only my generation had computer games, in the same way my parents didn’t have streaming or the internet, just wooden spinning tops to entertain them during the war.

Let’s move to… a place so dull that being murdered by Vikings made a pleasant change. This week: Durham

INOFFENSIVE, picturesque Durham. Without the fun factor of Newcastle or the ruggedness of Darlington, this medieval site instead thrives on inane wankiness, claiming to have its own shade of purple.

You're never too porky to hide the sausage: The unhealthy person's guide to mindblowing sex

THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut. 

How I'm going to spunk my 1,400 Nectar points. By Colin Farrell

AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.